BEING BIPOLAR, Part Fourteen: The Cost

Being Bipolar is a series that began in the winter of 2011.  Every so often I write about what it is to live with the mental illness known as bipolar disorder, or manic depression as it's also often called.  I do this in the hope that others will gain insight and understanding about diseases of the mind, and also I do this in an attempt to inspire others who live with such conditions.  These diagnoses don't have to be the end of the chance for a good life.  I want to believe that in however small a way, I might be helping people realize that.  In this series I attempt to write about the subject with honesty and with candor and, on occasion, with humor.  I am not a psychiatrist.  However I do come from a background of being a state-certified peer support specialist in the South Carolina Department of Mental Health for four years.  It is especially in that capacity that I do my best to document what it is to exist alongside mental illness.  If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, especially if you are having thoughts of self-harm of harm to others, please consider calling 911, or go to your nearest hospital emergency room.  Trust me, I've been there, done that.  You may also find help and encouragement from a support group, such as those sponsored by mental health advocacy organizations like National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org).  Help is available.  You only need reach out for it.  People care about you.  Remember that.

This has not been one of the better seasons of my life.

For a year I had an amazing career as an artificial intelligence trainer.  A dear friend had recently gotten her foot in the door of that industry and she was able to get me started in that also.  After nearly four wonderful years at the state department of mental health - a position I would have stayed in forever had the economy not become so bleak - it was a great break to have.  It paid good money.  But more importantly to me, it was a chance to use the vast majority of the skills and experiences I have picked up throughout my life.  I got to bring those to bear upon the tasks at hand.  The research and analytical skills that I gained early on and finely honed during my time in college lent themselves well to the job.  It played to my skills for writing.  It was getting to use a mind that has always spanned matters as far apart from each other as World War II history and aerodynamics and Catholic theology, and everything in between.  I was on the cutting edge of technology, using my full mental toolbox, and I was thriving with purpose fulfilled.

And then, I was downsized.  Which is a bare euphemism for "let go".  I wasn't the only one either.  A lot of people were dismissed.  I was told that I was very good, but I didn't have seniority enough to keep me aboard.  And so I found myself out of the AI business.

Will I get back in?  I think so, sooner than later.  It's such an evolving field, and admittedly quite a scary one.  But the technology is still a long ways off from AI on the level of science-fiction creations like WOPR from WarGames, or Skynet.  At its heart, artificial intelligence is advanced mathematical set theory married to dialogue emulation.  For all their seemingly vast power computers still can't simulate the human factors of desire, intuition, mystery, and love.  That isn't going to change anytime soon.  But I've been told that I've got significant talent when it comes to "whispering" to AI.  So in the long run I think I'm going to do okay.

It's the time being that is so lousy...

So this is now my fourth month without a real job.  I'm looking around for something, anything within reason, that will let me pay the bills.  There are some remote jobs that I've found, but I've discovered during recent years that I am best engaged alongside other people.  That is one of the things that I loved most about the peer support specialist position at the mental health office: I didn't just work with others, I got to help them, in so many ways.  The same friend who got me involved in the AI field told me that I really am at my best, most in my element, when I'm helping people.  I think she may be right about that.

I'm looking for honest work, something for the time being until a better opportunity arises.  Unfortunately I'm coming up horribly short.  It's still a bad market for job seekers out there.  And I wonder if there are other qualities that are working against my favor, but that would be digressing considerably.

That, as much as anything, is what enticed me to update my LinkedIn page, which is something that I haven't touched or looked at and perhaps even thought of that much in the past ten years or so.  When I first heard about LinkedIn, I thought it was a gimmick.  But better minds than I convinced me that it could be an effective tool to get myself "out there" for potential employers.  I spent much of this past weekend giving it an overhaul...

...And it was tough.  The past several years weren't so bad.  I've had employment more or less since 2013, when I began freelance technical writing.  But there was a ginormous span of time before then that I didn't have any employment at all.

That was the period of my life when I was hit the hardest with manic depression.  It made it impossible for me to focus enough to work any job whatsoever.  Those "lost years" were spent fighting my own neurobiology turned against itself... and that's pretty much it.  There were no great accomplishments or personal achievements in my life during those many years.  There was only a diseased mind and a thrashing about to control it with medications and counseling.

I lost a lot during that time.  Job opportunities.  My faith.  Friendships.  Self-control of my baser instincts.  I even lost my wife.  And that's something I will never forgive myself for.  Many times I lay awake at night especially, and feel haunted by all the people who I drove away while in the midst of madness.  So often it has made me want to die.  At times I have even prayed to God to let me die.  Because then maybe I can go to Heaven and see everyone I hurt and maybe... maybe... they would want to see me, too.  Especially those who had been closest to me.  My cousin Robin told me awhile back that we will love deeper than we ever could on this earth: "Grace will abound" and there they will finally know how much I loved them and still love them.

Relationships.  Purpose.  Career.  God.  All of those things and more went into that abyss along with my employment history and if they ever came out it was met by a person with a more jaded and wounded outlook on life than one should have.  I've thought that if I could save my professional life, that maybe everything else for a full and meaningful existence would fall into place.

So I had to examine my experiences in my LinkedIn profile.  And that big blank chasm was driving me crazier than usual.  It made my page something that I would be very hesitant to share with a prospective employer.  Questions would be asked and I would have to explain myself.  I can not lie.  That's the last thing a person should want to attempt with the people considering them for a job.  What was I to do?

It was that same dear friend who came through for me again.  She suggested something that was brilliant, and I probably might never have thought of this.  As she put it, those "lost years" do count for something after all.  They were a time when I was faced with a life-altering challenge that had to be confronted, with no choice in the matter.  Reining in my thoughts and emotions became a full-time occupation.  And it's something that I will spend the rest of my life on this earth striving to maintain what control I have over it.

There is now something filling in that gaping hole in the chronicle of my employment.  From April of 2004 - the month that the diagnosis of bipolar disorder was given to me - on through to August 2013 and the start of my freelance writing career, I was "Health Manager" at "Overcoming Adversity".  And that isn't a falsehood.  Those are nine years which are now accounted for, and there was some work scattered throughout it here and there.  But the highest priority was my well-being.  And I can hold my head high knowing that I was doing my best to overcome the obstacle of mental illness, enough to have some semblance of a full life.

I prefer to believe that the time since then has demonstrated that I've come a long way indeed.  Of late I have been on the forefront of the biggest technological revolution since the rise of the Internet.  I've been a mental health specialist who not only helped others, I was able to persuade some out of making the very worst mistake that a person can make in this world.  I've been a news reporter and writer of opinion pieces read by a vast audience.  For more than a year I was producing videos for a daily television broadcast.  The year that I spent traveling across America with my dog Tammy is part of the record too, and that became one of the greatest experiences I've ever had.  I've written a memoir, spanning well over a hundred thousand words covering the entire length of my life, that is now being pitched to literary agents.

None of those things would have been possible without that working on myself for almost a decade.

Bipolar disorder has cost me a lot of things.  But I want to think that it hasn't necessarily cost me my future.  It will be twenty-five years at the end of this month since my first trip to a behavioral health facility.  At the time I was very confused, very upset, and very frightened.  At the time I thought that my life was over with, that there was no hope left.  That was now half my lifetime ago and the worst of my condition was yet to come.  And if anyone had told me then that life was going to get even harsher for me, well... Lord only knows what I might have done.

(An entire chapter of my book is devoted to the six days I was hospitalized in that place.  It's pretty thorough.  Right down to the movie that the staff played for us that Friday night and the picture that I drew and put on the wall next to my bed.)

But here I am, today.  I admit to having some envy.  Borderline jealousy, really.  I look at the LinkedIn pages of people I know, and theirs are laden with achievements.  Maybe that's why I spent so much of the weekend trying to figure out how to make mine more impressive, not just for sake of potential employers either.  I'm glad that I did though.  Maybe God used it to wink at me, a little.  Perhaps He used my friend toward that, too.  The cost has been more than any person should have to deal with.  But when I looked at my page after working on it for awhile, I had to admit to myself: "Wow, that's pretty impressive.  I've come a long way after all.  I've got nothing to be ashamed of so far as my career is concerned.  Maybe God hasn't given up on me."

I might say that I could be content with that.  But I'm not content.  I never have been and I probably never will be.  Alexander on the edge of India wept because he thought there were no more worlds to conquer.

God willing, that will not be me.

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Kilmar Garcia: A mess of his own making

I've been occupied with a lot of real-life matters over the course of the past few weeks.  Those have kept me from being "tuned in" to much of the current news.  The last several days though have seen a lot of chatter about Kilmar Abrego Garcia: the "Maryland man" from El Salvador who was sent back to his country of origin last month courtesy of the Trump Administration.  And there is a lot that could be said about this case: from the dubious rationale he used to enter this country, to the possible violations of the Logan Act by the Democratic Party in trying to bring Garcia back to America.

(Say, why isn't there that kind of concern for the U.S. citizens who have suffered loss and injury and death at the hands of illegal immigrants?  Seems like the Democrats - their elected officials and party leadership especially - have chosen the Kilmar Garcia affair as their mountain to die on.  That kind of strategy ain't gonna help them come next election, I have to believe.)

Anyway, I've had some time in the past couple of days to study the matter, to ask questions, and to elicit some discussion.  I must thank everyone who chimed in and shared documentation about it.

What's my take on this situation?

I'm now left with the conclusion that though the administration made an error in process, the fact is that Garcia was not supposed to be in the country at all.  His rationale for asylum was filed years after his arrival in the United States, it can't readily be said that he was fleeing danger (because a gang was targeting his mom's tortilla business?).  It can't be said that he would be in danger if he returned to El Salvador of his own volition: the gang he said was threatening him has for all intents and purposes been eliminated.  And there is substantial evidence gathered by law enforcement that he is involved with MS-13: an organization on the list of terrorist groups and something that would completely invalidate Garcia's legal means of being in America.

So, to me at least, as I understand it, Garcia is in a mess of his own making.  He could have and should have returned to El Salvador on his own.  There exists no further reason for him to hide out in the United States.  He had every opportunity to make this right and he didn't take it.  And now he has wound up back in El Salvador anyway, among the gang members he allegedly was trying to escape to begin with.

That doesn't totally excuse the administration from deporting him the way that it did.  But in the scheme of things it expedited something that was likely going to happen anyway.

The moral of the story, friends and neighbors, is that if you enter the United States as a foreign citizen, mind your manners and adhere to our rules.  You'll stay out of trouble.  Don't wind up like Kilmar Garcia.

Look, I'm all FOR legal immigration on the path to citizenship.  I've been fortunate to know many who have come to this country from other lands.  One gentleman who I worked with a few years ago comes to mind, he was originally from South Africa.  I know Dad hired a number of people who came from Mexico and were in the process of bringing their families to the U.S. to become naturalized citizens.  Lately I've attended church with quite a lot of people who originated from Eastern Europe.

I still believe that America is the "melting pot" of people who intend to contribute to her greatness.  But those who come here to get the benefits without going through the proper process of demonstrating that they are going to take up the responsibilities of citizenship, they do NOT belong here.

Yes, many have come to America's shores to escape tyranny elsewhere.  I have known some of those also.  But the days of Jewish scholars fleeing the Nazi regime are long past.  Those seeking proper asylum here from oppressive and dangerous situations in their countries in large part either intend to return to their homelands someday, or they go through the naturalization process the *proper* way.  However they do it, they are honoring the laws of the United States as their host country.

But as much as we might want, the United States *can't* accept everyone who wants to be here.  There comes a time when the people of a country have to take matters into their own hands and make their native lands better.  Whether that's by assuming greater responsibility through choosing better leadership or by overthrowing their oppressors (like what happened in Romania in 1989).  The Americans can't do that for them and it would be wrong to try.  

Garcia seems to have wanted the benefits of being in America without assuming the responsibility.  He wasn't honoring American law.  And if he is the member of a gang deemed to be a terrorist organization, that's much worse for him.  He's not a man without a country.  He has a country.  It's called El Salvador.  And it's where he belongs.  That he married here and has children is something he contributed to his own mess.

Who knows, maybe there is still some way he could enter America lawfully in light of his family here.  It is sad that they are caught up in this.  But in the end, Garcia owns this, despite how the Trump administration bungled some things.

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The #1 most popular page on this blog right now is...

...This post from April the 4th, 2005.  That's just over twenty years ago.  It's about the "midnight madness" that took place for the new merchandise related to Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.  For whatever reason a lot of visitors have been coming to that post over the past few months and especially this last several days.

Is it because this spring marks the twentieth anniversary of Revenge of the Sith?  Or is it another factor?  I wonder if there's some sentimentality at work.  Twenty years ago we were a fandom united in spirit and purpose.  Star Wars was something that we shared and had common ground over.  It wasn't what it has devolved into.  It was a purer, and more beautiful, work.  Star Wars was one of the few truly good things in this world that could bring almost everyone together.  The third installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy was by all accounts going to be the absolute last film of the entire saga to be made.  So we made the very most of that.

I like to believe that the old spirit of Star Wars is still there, beneath the mangled morass of corporate bungling driven more by agenda and less by the desire for good storytelling.  But as it is, there are no more midnight madness-es for Star Wars.  I don't know if there will ever be one again.  It's something you kinda "had to be there" and be part of the moment.

It is a nice thing though to be able to report that all these years later and I still keep in touch with a couple of people mentioned in that post.  Darth Larry (pictured above), better known as Brian Hodges, is a much-acclaimed and accomplished cello player in the Pacific Northwest region.  And the paths of Fonso (below with Yours Truly) and myself crossed quite a few more occasions, enough to now count him as a dear friend who has been there for me several times.

That is what Star Wars is best at doing.  Forging not just friendships but bonds of family.  Kathleen Kennedy and everyone else at Disney haven't understood that and quite possibly can't understand it.  Star Wars under their management just isn't resonating with the fans as it should.

But, Star Wars has endured before.  I well remember the "dark times" between Return of the Jedi and the publication of Heir to the Empire.  That was eight solid years that we went without the saga being added to.  If it wasn't for West End Games' Star Wars role-playing game we might have lost all hope.  Sometimes we wondered if many people even cared about Star Wars at all.  And then Timothy Zahn's first Star Wars novel came out and suddenly the mythology roared back to life.  Star Wars hadn't died out at all.  It just went into hibernation for awhile.

Star Wars right now is a mess.  I watched two episodes of The Acolyte and gave up on it hard.  Disney should disown that series just as it has other works in its history.  Star Wars needs to be cleaned up.  And made into something wholesome and agreeable to by everyone, especially children.

It has been that before.  It can be that again.

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Remember that time when Mister Rogers got REALLY angry?

This episode of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood is legendary.  It dates to around 1980-ish and it shows something that had never been seen before and was not seen again anytime after.  It's the episode where Mister Rogers got mad.

Seriously, he was honked-off.  I mean VERY outraged.  He comes into the house and doesn't even put on a sweater or change his shoes.  He's not "Mister Rogers" the friendly neighbor but instead "Fred Rogers" the irate citizen.  Seems that he was given a parking ticket and he thinks that it's wrong.  His entire demeanor is angry and frustrated.

But a little song and an appearance before the judge later, and all is set right again.  Fred Rogers returns and after properly changing accoutrements the show is back on course.

Here is the episode where Mister Rogers gets upset and goes to traffic court.  It made a significant impact on me from the first time I saw it.  Every time since when I've had to go to court I ask myself "What would Mister Rogers do?"  It helps to calm my nerves.  I imagine there are other people who think back to this episode too.

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There is a new teenager in the house!

 Happy Birthday little girl :-) 

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Blast from my past: A Star Wars song parody of "Cat's In The Cradle"

There is a lot on my plate right now.  I'm having to figure some things out.  Time is not on my side.  But sometimes things percolate to the surface of my mind that I haven't thought about in years, or even decades.  And that's what happened today.

Waaaay back in 2001 and thereabouts  I was on the staff of TheForce.net, which at the time was the biggest website devoted to Star Wars on the whole heapin' web.  It wasn't long after I came onboard that I volunteered to take the vacant position of humor editor.  That was my main job for the next two and a half years, and it was a lot of fun!  I got to see quite a bit of reader-generated funny stuff that almost always left me smiling.

One of the things that I got to curate as humor editor was song parodies.  And they were out the wazoo.  There were tons of spoofs of well-known tunes that got the Star Wars treatment.  They were quite clever.  Here they are, still archived away on TheForce.net after all these years.

It was so much fun reading the song parodies, that I found myself wanting to write one of my own.  I wracked my gray matter trying to come up with something that would be on the level of the material that our readers were submitting.  Finally, one day an idea hit like a bolt of lightning.  I had the lyrics written in less than twenty minutes.  Then I shared my creation with the rest of the staff: it needed to pass muster with them before I could post it alongside the works of our readers.  The staff approved.  And so I shared my parody with the world.

It's a bit of a product of its time.  We had plenty of insider knowledge of Star Wars Episode II, but as you can see, especially with the reference to clones, I was a little off.  But it don't matter.  That makes it even more an artifact of its era.

So without further ado, here is my saga-fied parody.

Boy's In The Boonta 

Parody of "Cat's In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin
New Lyrics by Chris Knight

Found a child just the other day
Came to the world in an unusual way
He's got no dad, and his mom is a slave
He races pods in the desert haze
And he was flying 'fore we knew it, and as he grew
He'd say, "gonna use the Force like you, yeah
I'm gonna use the Force like you"

And the boy's in the Boonta racing on the dune
Against a Dug and a Tusken or two
"Weesa going home soon?"
"We don't know when, but he'll be a Jedi then,
You know he'll be a Jedi then"

Got to Coruscant just the other day
He was strong in the Force, Yoda had to say
"Can you teach me the Force?" They said "Not today,
You're too old to learn," he said "That's okay"
He walked away, but he smiled at Qui-Gon Jinn
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the boy's in the Boonta racing on the dune
Little punk makin' the bad guys go boom
Is he a Padawan now?
He don't know when, but he'll be a Jedi then,
You know he'll be a Jedi then

Well, he met Lord Sidious just the other day
Became a Sith, Kenobi had to say
"I'm ashamed of you, you're now evil and vile"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
"You're being a pest Ben, like stinkin' Bantha fur fleas
What you doing? Not that lava please!"

And the boy's in the Boonta racing on the dune
Fought the Federation, clones and Dooku
When'd the bad breathing come?
We don't know when, but he turned to the Dark Side then,
You know he had the Dark Side then

He's long been a Darth. His kids hid away.
He fought his son just the other day.
"Come to the Dark Side if you don't mind."
Luke said "I'm a Jedi, Dad, of the Lighter Side
You see my friends are my strength and the Emperor's through,
But it's sure nice fightin' with you Dad.
It's been sure nice fightin' with you."
And as he cut off the hand Luke could plainly see
"He grew up just like me,
MY DAD IS JUST LIKE ME!"

And the boy's in the Boonta racing on the dune
Palpatine's screaming down a mile or two
Will Vader be a ghost now?
He don't know when
But he'll be a Jedi then,
You know he'll be a Jedi then

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The art of Andrew Griffith

A few weeks ago a good friend, the lovely and effervescent Kate Mary, posted something on her Facebook page.  It's a piece of art that she commissioned to have made and I could barely take my eyes off of it.  Here is Batman shredding on guitar as he and his colleagues rock it out.  You're going to want to click and enlargen this pic in order to absorb all the details:

This was created by Andrew Griffith.  Kate was right: he is enormously talented.  Here is some more of his craftsmansship.

I like this one especially: Orson Welles in his final role (Unicron from Transformers: The Movie).

And speaking of Transformers, here is Grimlock being ridden by Boba Fett:

Andrew has much more work on his website at glovestudios.com.  He also maintains an online shop for his art and he also has a site dedicated to his commission work

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The first trailer for Tron: Ares just dropped

 Looks like we're  about to get a whole new meaning for  "going off the grid"...

Tron is one of the more delightful films from my childhood and I really liked Tron: Legacy when it came out in 2010.  Tron: Ares looks like it's going hardcore for the next iteration of the franchise's evolution: the digital world entering the real one.  Well, Flynn did tell his son in Legacy that the two realms are more connected than we realized.  And Clu believed he could invade our reality.  So that seed has already been sowed.

Maybe if Disney commits to a solid film without a "woke" agenda - like its Snow White currently bombing bigtime - I might see this.

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The John F. Kennedy Assassination Records Collection has been released

President Donald Trump is making good on his promise to release all the documents pertaining to the assassination of John F. Kennedy in 1963.  This has been a LONG time coming for many, many people.  It bothered me in high school when I realized how much my government was holding back and it made a lot of my classmates mad too (this was right at the time the movie JFK was out).

But after sixty-two years since this collection began to coalesce, we're finally getting a look at it all.

Here's the President John F. Kennedy Assassination Records Collection's main page at the National Archives.  A lot of stuff had been made public already.  But what you're probably most interested in is what has been released because of Trump's executive order.  That stuff started getting dumped a few days ago: more than thirty-three thousand pages across nearly twelve hundred PDF documents.  Here's the link to that newly-released material, and word on the street is that there's more still to come.

What do I think so far?  I've only had time to peruse a little bit of it but there is some interesting stuff in there, a lot of it having to do with anti-communist activities on the part of the American government in the early Sixties, especially in regard to Cuba.  I found one document describing how a ballerina dancer was actually a communist agent.

But most people are going to want to home in on the meaty stuff pertaining to the assassination.  And they are finding some interesting things.  Among the more fascinating come upon so far: Gary Underhill, a CIA agent who stated the day after the killing that there was a clique within the agency that was responsible for carrying it out.  A few months later Underhill was found dead, it was ruled a suicide.  Just one more mystery among the pile of the biggest enigma in American history.

Back in 2016 when I was traveling across America with my dog Tammy, we spent a few weeks in Texas and during that time I got to visit Dealey Plaza in Dallas.  This was it: the most analyzed patch of land in the annals of man.  This is where all the theories span out from and where many more converge again.  And after a lifetime of wanting to see it for myself I was finally there.

Here are some of the pictures that were taken...

Behind the picket fence atop the grassy knoll.  This is the spot that several witnesses said they heard the sound of gunshots coming from.

Tammy and me atop the grassy knoll.

The spot where Kennedy was when the fatal shot hit is marked by a small white X on the road (click to enlarge)

The former Texas School Book Depository, from a window on the sixth floor of which is where Lee Harvey Oswald presumably fired the shots as the presidential motorcade passed by on the street below.

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This was today's verse on the Bible app...

 

How often do we ask God for things like money, or mere things like cars?  Or even healing?  Then He doesn't give us that, and we get angry and embittered.

That's not what God promised us though.  He can grant us those things in His time.  But He gives us wisdom EVERY time we ask for it.  And really, isn't wisdom more often than not what we need the most?

It's ironic: wisdom is one thing we can be sure God will give us but yet it's seemingly something we very rarely want.  I would even say that the desire for wisdom is at an all time low.  And that's a tragedy.

I would do well to take this verse to heart, especially.  I don't seek after wisdom nearly enough.  I've become frustrated with God, especially when it comes to having bipolar disorder.  I get upset at Him for not taking it away or alleviating it even a little.  When I should really be asking Him for wisdom to live in spite of my diagnosis.  God gives us wisdom and strength to face our obstacles, and I need to rely on Him even greater.

But mostly, when the verse popped up on my Bible app, it made me think about how wisdom is such a neglected virtue in this time and place as ours.  We could certainly be in a better place spiritually, and culturally and even politically, if we sought wisdom more.

God can give us that.  All we have to do is ask for it.

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Fiftieth anniversary of "Genesis of the Daleks"

It was fifty years ago today, on March 8th 1975, that the BBC transmitted part one of the Doctor Who story "Genesis of the Daleks".

It has since gone on to be regarded as one of the very best Doctor Who tales in the history of the franchise and one of the greatest science-fiction stories ever committed to the visual medium.  "Genesis of the Daleks", written by Terry Nation, packed a lot!  The part that I most often think about is when The Doctor (the Fourth, played by Tom Baker) is agonizing over the choice that is his to make: to either destroy the Daleks before they can become the universal menace he knows them to be, or to save them and let history run its course.  It was pretty strong stuff for a show still considered at the time to be made primarily for young audiences.

So it is that today is the fiftieth anniversary of the debut of Davros, the genius-but-insane creator of the Daleks.  Personally, I think that Davros is one of the greatest villains in fictional history.  When you consider that he has only one hand but that hand is stained with the blood of trillions of innocent lives... that is incalculable evil.

And to celebrate, here is a video that I discovered many years ago that someone very brilliant compiled and posted to YouTube. This predates Davros's appearance in the series that has been running since 2005, so it's almost all from the classic productions.

Here is "Davros Versus The Universe":

EDIT: 03/10/2025:  A reader of this blog has informed me that the complete "Genesis of the Daleks", all six episodes, is available to watch on the official Doctor Who YouTube channel!

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What might be the best way to end the war in Ukraine (that I can see)

 C'mere. Siddown.  I've got something to say.

One person has accused me of siding with Putin.  And that's one person too many.

To this person and others who think that of me: "***** you".  Because I am the FURTHEST thing from being a Putin apologist.

NOBODY'S hands are clean in this affair.  Not Russia.  Not Ukraine (as much as many of us want to believe otherwise) and not the United States.  We are involved too.  We sent a LOT of money and war materiel to Ukraine, and it's been questionable whether it was used by that country to fight Russia or if it was diverted and sold to other interests.  It's quite possible that some of the arms we sent wound up in the hands of drug cartels in Latin America.  I love the people of Ukraine, but the matter remains that they allowed their country to be one of the most corrupt in Europe and ultimately that's on them.

What do I think the U.S. should have done?  America should have led international sanctions against Russia.  In time I believe those would have had an effect.  Russia isn't playing nice by the rules of polite international behavior and they should suffer for that.

But that is not what we did.

Ukraine is not Afghanistan.  Afghanistan has defeated invaders for thousands of years.  It is perhaps the worst geography on Earth for an army to come in and try to control.  Alexander of Macedonia learned this.  So did the Soviets.  And in time so did America.  During the Afghanistan conflict with the invading Russian the U.S. did provide the Afghans with Stinger missiles, among other things.  In time that aid did did compel the Soviets to give up and go home.  But the Afghans had the layout of the land, the mountains of their home turf, on their side.  There is no such advantage that Ukraine has.

If we try to do with Ukraine what we did with Afghanistan, we are going to widen the war into something beyond the confines of Eastern Europe.  Zelensky came to the Oval Office yesterday and made clear his ultimate demand: that American armed forces and personnel be brought into Ukraine.  And that would be a terrible, terrible mistake for us to commit.  If we did that we would be turning Ukraine it into a quagmire far worse than Vietnam was.  And this time there will be a belligerent with his finger on a nuclear button.

What do *I* see in these circumstances?  What does Chris Knight the American citizen, the historian, the man just trying to do the right thing, perceive in this matter?

The last thing that Robert Christopher Knight wants to see is any one die.  Scrape everything else away from him and that's what you're left with.  And right now I don't see Ukraine's leadership being serious about that.

So it's left to a third party, someone other than the two sides in the conflict, to try to negotiate something. Right now the best party to do that is the United States.

There are three suggestions I would make, if anyone's interested...

1.  The U.S. and Ukraine should agree to the minerals deal.  The one that was about to be signed yesterday before the dipolomacy fell apart with all the world to see.  Enacting the minerals agreement would result in an active American presence in Ukraine *without* bringing United States armed forces into the war.  Russia would hesitate - and tremendously so - to endanger lives of American civilians.

2.  Work out a deal between Russia and Ukraine to end hostilities.  End armed conflict.  Stop the killing, by both sides.  They have each drawn blood.    Ukraine has also, by way of its drone aircraft.

3.  Negotiate the borders between Russia and Ukraine.  There are many areas in Ukraine that are ethnic Russian and have long expressed a desire to be within Russia.  If Putin wants to prove that he's true to his word he will agree to annex these areas.  But Russia is going to have to give over some territory to Ukraine also.

I have never been a fan of Putin.  I think he is a despicable excuse of a supposed leader.  His soul is a dark one, no matter how much George W. Bush looked into his eyes and claimed to see a good man.  Putin wants a return of the old Soviet empire.  He has never stopped being KGB at heart.  The day he finally dies will be a good one for the world, unless he repents of his wrongdoing and tries to make right what he has done.  But that's between him and God.

But neither have I been a wholehearted fan of sending hundreds of billions of American dollars - that we can't really afford - to Ukraine, without accountability for how it's being used.  Zelensky is not the squeaky clean leader of his country that many of us want to believe he is.  He did not come into office honestly and he has demonstrated many times that he turns a blind eye to the corruption in Ukraine.

So what are we to do?

The three suggestions I just made, provided that the United States pushes them forward, is the best alternative to prolonging the war that I can see.  It's NOT perfect.  It's NOT what either Ukraine or America wants.  In a perfect world Russia would be forced to withdraw and have to make reparations.  But it's not a perfect world and the United States did play a part in exacerbating the situation.

That's the best deal that I see us making that will end the war and stop the killing.  It's the only thing I can imagine will finally end this conflict.

But don't ANYONE dare declare that I'm a supporter of Putin.  Because that only demonstrates how much of a fool that person is.

Just my .02

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I watched the meeting between President Trump and Volodymyr Zelensky

And I mean I watched the entire meeting, not just the final ten minutes that descended into diplomatic chaos.

(Here it is if you want to see it for yourself.)

The war in Ukraine is perhaps the damndest Gordian Knot of foreign relations that I've seen in my lifetime.  I am and always have been against Russia's aggression into what should be a sovereign nation recognized as such by all.  I despise Russian dictator Vladamir Putin as much as anyone can.  The sooner he dies or is somehow overthrown will be a happy day for the world.  He had no right to plan and execute the invasion of Ukraine.

But what can be done about that?  More to the point, what should the role of the United States be?  We've already given hundreds of billions of dollars in funding and war materiel to Ukraine.

It's now an open and very serious question: what has become of all of that support that our politicians in the past few years have cheerfully given Ukraine?

Russia isn't going to withdraw from Ukraine while Putin sits in the Kremlin.  It's doubtful that if and when the war ends that Russia is going to cede over the territory they've won back to Ukraine.

I believe that President Trump is trying to make the best of the situation in the best interest of America: end the war and stop the loss of life.

Back to the matter of yesterday's meeting between Trump and Zelensky and their respective delegations in the Oval Office...

For the first forty minutes things are going as well as this kind of thing could.  Trump is being very gracious to his guest.  In fact, it could even be said that things are going in Zelensky's favor.  And then right around the forty minutes mark Vice-President J.D. Vance breaks in from where he's been sitting and brings up what is, I think so anyway, a good point: that on Joe Biden's watch the official United States rhetoric didn't match the United States's actions.  That there was never any real attempt at diplomacy on the part of the United States government.  Instead the U.S. became something that pumped billions upon billions of dollars into Ukraine's war effort and apparently this was not good enough for Zelensky, who Vance accused of not being thankful enough.

It's pretty clear that Zelensky wants something that the United States and other countries in Europe cannot provide without bringing about a larger conflict with Putin's Russia.  And Zelensky isn't budging about that.

I've had time to contemplate what happened yesterday and the larger scope of things.  And from where this blogger is sitting, it does seem as though Trump's strategy is the best one.  I'm not saying it's the most likable.  But it will bring about an end to hostilities sooner.  The minerals deal that was almost signed yesterday at the White House, before relations broke down between Trump and Zelensky, wouldn't put "boots on the ground" in Ukraine.  But it would put American interests firmly in place in that country, something that could be just as effective at giving Putin pause about furthering his aggression.

It's not a solution that makes anyone happy.  It certainly does not me.  In my perfect world Ukraine would kick Russia out on its ass, retake the captured territory and sue for reparations.  There would be international sanctions against Russia for invading a sovereign country.  But that perfect world does not exist in real life.

Maybe someday, after Putin is gone, there can be a return to Ukraine's intended borders.  Perhaps a Russia without leadership hellbent on bringing back the glory days of the Soviet Union's vast empire will be fully ready to join the family of nations.  But that day isn't in the foreseeable future.  We've got to take what we can get.  

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This is freaking my friends out on Facebook

In the past few days there's been something of a challenge on Facebook: post a picture of yourself at age 17 along with a photo of what you look like now.  It just so happened that I had my high school senior pic in storage a short distance away from where I was sitting.  Juxtaposed with a modern photo and it's startling a number of people.

At left is me in August of 1991.  At right is a fairly recent pic of me from late 2023.

Not that much change at all!  Well, I try to live healthy.  I don't smoke and I only drink once a year, when I honor Dad's memory with his favorite wine.  I exercise moderately.  I try to maintain a cheerful disposition.  Wherever I go I like to make people smile, and maybe there's something to that too.  I do feel older though.  I feel mature, it's hard not to feel that after life has thrown so much at you.  But I've done my best to keep a childlike spark alive, too.

I guess I should be thankful.  I'm still alive, despite everything that has happened along the way.  A lot of people don't get to come so far.  Things could be much better in my life but I have reasons to be grateful, too.

But if I still look like this at age seventy, that's going to be downright spooky.

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In memory of Gene Hackman

The sad news came out this morning that Gene Hackman and his wife were found dead in their home in New Mexico.  An investigation as to what happened is underway.

My first exposure to Hackman was his portrayal of Lex Luthor in 1978's Superman: The Movie.  I've seen most of his films.  My favorite film of his was the 1992 western Unforgiven: he played the evil sheriff "Little Bill" Daggett and it earned him an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.

A few years ago I watched The French Connection - the winner of the 1972 Academy Award for Best Picture among many other prizes - for the first time.  All I knew about it going in was that it starred Hackman and that it was about drug smuggling.  If anybody had told me beforehand that I was going to be screaming my lungs out while watching it, I would not have believed it.  But that is indeed what happened.  The scene where Hackman's Popeye Doyle (which snagged him his first Oscar win) commandeers a car and goes off in pursuit of a train is one of the most terrifying spectacles committed to film that I've ever beheld.  It's just CRAZY.  It might be the best chase scene in the history of American cinematography.

So I thought that to honor the memory of Gene Hackman, I would share that scene.  A fine actor at his very finest.

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Popcorn Sutton: A Hell Of A Life is now on YouTube

The legend of Popcorn Sutton lives on.  The man was already larger than life when he was with us.  Sixteen years after he tragically passed away, Sutton seems even bigger than ever.  Not long ago I saw a guy wearing a shirt with Popcorn's image on it.  And memes featuring him continue to populate the Internet.  I am forever going to regret that I never got to meet him in person.  But I am thankful that his legacy continues.

Filmmaker Neal Hutcheson has made a number of documentaries about Popcorn and the world of Appalachian culture for over two decades.  A few years ago he released Popcorn Sutton: A Hell of a Life and it gained considerable attention. This past week his production company released the film on YouTube, free for viewing by anyone.  I watched it yesterday and it definitely captures and conveys the essence of Marvin "Popcorn" Sutton and his life and times.

For anyone else enchanted by Popcorn and his unique persona and especially his craft at brewing moonshine, this will surely delight you.  Thanks for the great work Neal!

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It's below freezing here in South Carolina...

 ...and Tammy is staying warm with three blankets.

She is as snug as a bug in a rug :-)

We had a dusting of snow in the past two days but nothing significant.  My friends and family in North Carolina got enough to cover the ground and cancel school.  I doubt those of us in the Upstate are going to get any more at this point in the season.  But I've been wrong before.

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