Goodbye

"Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever."

-- Chief Joseph, 1877

I have suffered from severe depression for more than ten years. I have fought it as hard as I possibly can and it hasn't been enough. It has cost me dear friends, potentially wonderful opportunities, and worst of all it has cost me the wife who I loved and held precious more than anyone else that has ever come into my life.

The sufferings I have been through, I would not wish on anyone. Not even wish them on those who have wanted to hurt me.

I am saying this because there is only so much that the enemy, the lord of this world, can do to me. He can take away everything that I hold dear. He can destroy the relationships I have with others. He can even take away my health and end my life.

I am saying this because I will not curse God. Even though in the past several days I have cried out to Him about my hurt and my guilt and my anguish and in spite of it He has been distant and silent.

I am not going to curse God. To follow Christ does not mean an easy life. I have followed Him for almost fourteen years and I have failed and fallen more times than not. There have been times before when I have cursed God in anger.

But I will not curse God this time or ever again.

God is good.

"Whatever they plot against the Lord he will bring to an end; trouble will not come a second time."

-- Nahum 1:9

I will not curse God. There is little left that can be done to hurt me. I am not even afraid to die anymore, if it comes to that.

So let everything left be a praise to His glory.