When I want more than a wink from God...

For most of the past several months, going back to late summer, I have been... well, pick your terminology: "led to", "compelled to", "reduced to", what have you... crying out to God. Crying metaphorically and quite literally and very tearfully.

I am finally beginning to appreciate that in spite of lamenting His absence so many times, that He has been there all along. And that He has been faithful, even when my own faith has faltered all too often.

And now, I can put it no more clear than this: I can see at last that God has been "winking" at me.

He has let me know that He has heard me. That He knows what I am going through. That He has grieved alongside me, about all the things that I have hurt over.

So, I can't but be thankful that in so many, mostly little ways, that He has been winking at me.

So is it wrong to hope that He could at least give me a clear whisper sometime, and really assure me that He knows that I am doing my best to seek after Him? I mean, at least some indication that I'm doing something right and if not, to tell me what He needs me to do?

Winks from God, when you know what they are, are wonderful. I am greatly comforted by them. But it'd be seriously awesome if He gave me even a little bit of a real hint at what He needs of me.

But then, I am reminded of something else: that I have been a follower of Christ for nearly fifteen years and I should have come to fully realize by now that to follow Christ has never meant a life of comfort and ease and safety. Far from it! If anything, to follow Christ means a lifetime of nearly continuous hardships and trials and sufferings!

Why did I ever think that God would do something to make my journey through this life any more comfortable?

All of this time, I have been hoping and praying that God might bring healing, that He would bring reconciliation, that He would bring restoration of things lost. I had come to earnestly believe that if I just sought Him out "a little harder" that He would make things better. And I guess that I was just kidding myself. But that's not His fault at all, and not even really my own, but I digress...

God doesn't guarantee a safe and sound passage through this world, free of travails and tribulations. But He does assure us, as many times as we need Him to, that He will bring us through to the destination He has prepared for us.

That is probably going to be the most comfort that I will ever find in this lifetime, in regard to things that I wish were otherwise. But I know: I have trusted Him - and not my own effort - to bring me home.

He has brought me this far already.

There is no reason to believe He will not bring me further still :-)