Okay well, as much as the mischievous little "id" creature deep within my nature loves that sort of thing, I'm gonna come clean and be honest about what's really been going on behind the scenes here. It's the sort of business that in recent past I would have kept to myself, but since in the past year I've gone so much on record about it...
The truth is, that for the past few weeks I have been experiencing an episode of bipolar depression. And it has sucked darn nearly all of the passion and motivation out of me.
I've been writing for almost a year now about what it means to have bipolar disorder. And if this was "regular" depression I might yet be able to make something in spite of that, because I've had clinical depression and know what that's like. Bipolar depression however is an entirely different beast. This latest episode struck a little less than a month ago (so far as I can tell) and I'm still fighting it. Not much that can be done except that like a hurricane, to just ride it out.
(But even with it, I can at least write about that if I can't write about anything else... because that's how I roll :-)
When you're going through a bipolar depressive episode, you lose your passion and feeling for everything. You can function outwardly, if you absolutely must. But it is a tremendous struggle to do that and it sucks out what little drive and determination you have left to you. You aren't left with a life: you are made to endure anti-life. Existence in the negative range. Sometimes the only feeling you have is feeling like you want God to just let you die and not have to go through this hell for any moment longer.
Happily though... and I know this more than ever before... these times do pass. This episode will pass. I know that I'm not really wanting to die. Heck, this is the first time in my life that I've had a chance to enjoy a normal life like most people get to have! I am not going to take that for granted and I am not going to let it slip because of a temporary relapse of a medical condition!
So that's where I've been: working through this episode, trusting God to bring me through this just as He has brought me through all the others.
But while I have brought myself to the browser (which has been acting wonky lately, enough that it has made blogging unreliable until just the past few days), I'll also address some things which have piled up. First thing is: I thought last week's Doctor Who episode, "Let's Kill Hitler", was the most brain-warping single episode in the show's entire history (I watched it with my girlfriend and we were screaming in stunned disbelief the entire time). I'm keeping a wary eye out on Hurricane Katia: at this point it could go anywhere but my gut is that it might blow on out to sea (though I've been wrong before). Oh yeah, and in the past few days I've had an epiphanous thought about the nature of the church, and when I'm finished mulling it over I'll post something about that.
(And I might have had an idea or two for a new film, which would be my first in awhile... and I'm extremely looking forward to getting back into that saddle again :-)
Anyhoo, there y'all go. I'm good. Just having a bipolar depressive episode that I felt led to write a report about and submit it into the pile of material already accumulating on this blog about it. As always, parse it as you will.
And Lord willing, I shall be back to full bloggin' strength soon :-)
3 comments:
Chris this is one of those things that takes a lot share I am sure. Just wanted to pass along any support and also helping with awareness about this.
I myself feel pretty darn privileged
to have met you here recently. You have whole lot of new friends over my way here! Hope to talk to you soon!
Your friend Michael
I pray for you, particularly when you aren't "on the air". Many blessings.
Hang in there Chris. I've suffered from clinical depression too but I know what you're going through is completely different. Be strong! You sound like you have a strong heart so hold onto that :)
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