Tired of being hurt.
Tired of hurting others.
Tired especially of hurting those most precious to me.
Tired of this diseased, wretched mind that has cost me too much.
Tired of depression that lingers for weeks.
Tired of the drugs I must use to stay balanced and "normal".
Tired of every happiness crumbling into ashes in my hands.
Tired of not knowing if I am truly forgiven for my mistakes and my shortcomings.
Tired of being haunted by memories of things no one should endure.
Tired of being haunted by the faces of people I have loved, people I still love, and they never knew how much I have loved them.
Tired of being a hypocrite. And I know that I am.
Tired of not being a true and worthy friend.
Tired of being abandoned and discarded.
Tired of being a monster that must be shunned and avoided.
Tired of giving my very best in all things and it never is good enough.
Tired of seeing blessings be taken away, and being left with nothing.
I hate this mind and this flesh.
My spirit groans and cries to God to be delivered from these chains of fallen matter and broken thoughts. My heart and soul long to be free. To be embraced in perfect love in a place where there are no more farewells, forever.
I want to know that Heaven awaits, even for me.
You are not alone!
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ReplyDeleteHey Chris! I don't pretend to know your struggles but please know that I think about and pray for you often. You are an awesome person; I just wish you could realize that. You should not spend your time beating yourself up over things that are out of anyone's control. We all have to be reminded to pull ourselves up by our boot straps and keep on going. Your very best is good enough and when something is removed from our lives, it is then that we should await something greater. You are blessed! I love you! Take care and remember, I am right up the road if you need me. -Meg_
ReplyDeleteChris, it's not anything you ever did on your own. Read this story that's coming out today. Scientists have just found something about bipolar disorder that ought to be relief and vindication for you.
ReplyDeleteFox News - stem cell research finds differences between bipolar neurons and healthy normal neurons and there's genetics involved.
Now you also know why you're so smart. Your neurons are going faster than the rest of us sad mortals :p
I would have told you about the study but Lisa beat me to it!
ReplyDeleteI have bipolar type 1, the one you probably have. Like you Chris bipolar destroyed my marriage and my career. For years I beat myself up over it but now we know beyond any doubt ITS NOT OUR FAULT. We were born bipolar and we must fight bipolar until the day we die. But don't let that stop you from having a full life. God has amazing things planned for you and someday you will be blogging again to praise Him for it all. You'll see.
~Nick from HM
Chris, you are not and have never been an evil person.
ReplyDeleteAn evil person could never make himself so vulnerable and open, as you have.
An evil person could never have a heart as big as all outdoors, as you have.
An evil person could not write such beautiful essays and thoughts and reflections about God, as you have.
An evil person could not have regret and sorrow and ask forgiveness, as you have.
An evil person could not take a stand for what's right no matter how hard it will be or what others say about you, as you have.
An evil person would not have humility, as you have.
An evil person would never admit when he's wrong, as you have.
An evil person could not have the beautiful relationship with Christ and not be ashamed to stand for Him, as you do.
Listen to what Meggan and Lisa and Nick have told you. Listen to the song on that link. You are wonderfully made by our awesome God. From the moment you turned to Christ the enemy has tried his best to destroy you because he knew you would be a mighty warrior for God. The enemy knew before you did about your disease and he's done everything in his power to destroy you through it. You had every reason to give up and quit serving Christ, but you never have. How many would have given up long before? You never gave up and the enemy hates you even more for it.
There is a Heaven. You are going someday and everything you have lost will be restored to you and more wild than you can imagine. Your love will be known to the people you hurt because of your disease, and no one will have those haunting memories ever again.
I pray that this has been an encouragement to you.
In His love always,
Deanna
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:28
Chris, did you recover from bipolar enough to confess to your previous wife about the things you put her through? Did you confess to the friends you lost? Because if you did it means you are NOT an evil / bad person whatsoever. The core of you is what matters and what matters to God. Not your mind.
ReplyDelete