Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
-- Enya, "Only Time"
Manic-depression has a time dilation effect. There are periods when time slows to a snail's pace. There are others, like what I'm going through right now, when time goes by too fast.
Either results in the same thing. An oppressive sense that time and life itself is being wasted. That the harder I try to wrest control of time the more it flees away from me. I think, for me anyway, that is the source of a lot of the paranoid thoughts. My mind is either extrapolating situations and outcomes beyond rationality or it is deathly afraid of being "left behind" by the rest of you who have a normal perception of time. I'm too fast or too slow. Too young and too old, and sometimes both at once.
Either results in the same thing. An oppressive sense that time and life itself is being wasted. That the harder I try to wrest control of time the more it flees away from me. I think, for me anyway, that is the source of a lot of the paranoid thoughts. My mind is either extrapolating situations and outcomes beyond rationality or it is deathly afraid of being "left behind" by the rest of you who have a normal perception of time. I'm too fast or too slow. Too young and too old, and sometimes both at once.
Maybe if time was not so inconstant for me, I could have had a normal life long ago...
Just some musings today while sitting at the keyboard, trying to collect thoughts through the walls of dark being as I struggle with problems regarding my book.
Just some musings today while sitting at the keyboard, trying to collect thoughts through the walls of dark being as I struggle with problems regarding my book.
What makes you think your life isn't normal?
ReplyDelete"Too young and too old, and sometimes both at once." Haunting.
Hurting those who I care about the most and living with that regret until the day that I die. Lost opportunities. Constant medication and counseling. Inability to focus my thoughts when I need them most (I lost a LOT of freelance work last spring because of a depressive episode that refused to engage my mind toward anything meaningful). Mood swings beyond anything that a person should experience...
ReplyDeleteLong ago I thought that by now I would have a real home, with a wife and children and lots of laughter. And that didn't happen because of something that every day I ask God why did He let this fall on me.
Just some of the things which I'm writing a book about.
Paul ask God to take away whatever his thorn in the flesh was,but God didn't...Whatever it was I think it actually gave Paul an insight that no one else had,which must of have helped him to write so many books of the Bible...I've been half blind just about my entire life,I have no memory of vision from from two eyes,and I have always wondered how it feels to look at an object with sight in two eyes,however I realized, it doesn't really matter this is who I am. We are all unique,made by God's design,different,to help each other along this journey of life...The older I get I now realize,those with no physical sight actually can see so much more...
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