Being Bipolar is a series that began nearly fourteen years ago in the winter of 2011. It is an occasional look at what it is like to live with bipolar disorder, or manic depression as many still call it. This blogger posts a new article whenever he feels the time is ideal to write about an aspect of bipolar disorder, so that others might have deeper understanding of this disease and appreciate what it is to have to exist with it on a routine basis. In doing this I do my best to be as honest and forthcoming as is possible. I am not a medical professional. However I spent several years as a peer support specialist - a person with mental illness who undergoes extensive training so as to help others with like and similar conditions - for a major state department of mental health. I believe that this may put me in a unique position to examine bipolar disorder. Perhaps writing this series will be in some way how I get to make up for many of the things that I have done while in a depressed state or exceedingly manic (ESPECIALLY manic). If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please consider calling 911 or if you are able to then visit your nearest hospital emergency room. You may also find help and encouragement from a support group, such as those sponsored by mental health advocacy organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org).
Hey hey! Once again it has been quite awhile since I have posted anything under the Being Bipolar brand. That last one came almost two years ago. And a lot has changed since then...
When last you read this space, I was still working at the South Carolina Department of Mental Health (the very first mental health department among any of the fifty states, and they're dang proud of it!). And I would still be there too, had the economy not turned so rotten. That compelled me to seek out employment that paid better. I spent two weeks at the car manufacturer near here...
...And then had to leave voluntarily. The meds I take to manage manic depression made it impossible to have the fine precision finger mobility and speed to keep up. I quickly realized that when it came to critical car components my presence was more a liability than a benefit.
After that I was at another manufacturer. I was doing really good too! And then two months into that job I was dismissed. Because they discovered that I was taking medication to manage bipolar disorder.
Well, I can't really talk about that much. There were legal proceedings and an out-of-court settlement. It ended as best as it probably could have. But that still left me unemployed.
Several months of work drought followed after that. And then I was able to sign on as a substitute teacher for a local school system. But as was reported almost a year ago that didn't last long (because ahem... I was accused of teaching high school juniors how to make high explosives).
THAT led to a job that nearly killed me. The less said about that one, the better. It was destroying me mentally, physically, but also spiritually. I was never able to attend a place of worship with others on weekends, or during the week either for that matter. My relationship with God is something that has always been precious to me, even during my worst of moments with manic depression. For those reasons and more I left the job just before my birthday this past March.
What happened after that was practically a God-send. A friend got me involved in training artificial intelligence systems. We're talking real cutting-edge stuff here. I've been able to see the AI industry from a vantage point that few get to witness. I'm now beholding all that goes into making AI work. Its good points as well as things that I don't believe computers will ever be able to surmount (I very strongly doubt that AI will come close to approximating real human thought, and that's a great comfort). I consider AI training to be my true career now, and it's solid work that employs much of my educational background and experiences.
Unfortunately there are times when there is a lull between projects. And it is during those times that I need supplementary employment.
Which brings me to where I am today. I've been able to be a part of the establishing of the first branch in this state of a respected company that is experiencing nationwide growth. I've been with the company for almost two months now and have really come to enjoy the community and camaraderie among the staff. That's all that I can probably say at the moment however. For reasons which are pretty easy to figure out.
So now we come to August 13, 2024.
I've written about having a depressive episode before, and the previous installment of Being Bipolar dealt with experiencing a manic episode. Well, since last night I have been having a mixed episode: an entirely different beast altogether. So I'm going to do my best to describe what this is like.
This morning I had to call in sick. I was nowhere in any condition to handle the tasks I regularly engage in. I probably was not even fit to drive the relatively short distance to the location. Not when I was unstoppably blinking back-and-forth between extraordinary mania and then curling up in a ball on the sofa.
This has been a day of extremes, to be mild about it.
It started yesterday evening. I felt it coming. And prayed that it would pass over. Maybe God let it be not as severe as it could have been. As severe as it was fifteen or so years ago, when I lacked the proper medication and the counseling and the tools to deal with an episode. Back when I had to be rocked here and fro by manic depression. The time in my life when I caused so much damage and destruction to relationships that I cherished so deeply with those who I loved. But that's digressing, sort of.I sensed this coming. And braced for the storm. It could have been worse. But it was harsh enough. By 8 a.m. this morning my thoughts were racing furiously. At 9 the swings toward the opposite direction began.
It's funny. A little after 9 there was a brief respite. And I found myself inspired to post the following on Facebook:
4 comments:
Courageous thing to come forward about, Chris. Thank you for writing this. I don't have bipolar but I've seen it in people I know. I'm going to forward the Being Bipolar links around. I think they will help a lot of people.
Keep on bloggin'!
Thank you, Steve. Sometimes I've wondered if anyone is reading these. I started the series in 2011 and many times I've caught myself thinking that it's not having any kind of impact. I am so very grateful to hear that people are sharing this resource. It certainly makes writing them worth it.
Hello Chris. This is Allison again. I commented on a previous Being Bipolar chapter about being led to study and get my masters in mental health counseling partly because of your series. Your sharing about your life just keeps amazing. I thank you for your honesty and you are an inspiration for many! And I love your other articles also, you do know how to make people think! :D
Hello Allison! That comment really made me smile. Thank you for following along. I shall do my best to endeavor to always make this blog thought-provoking and entertaining :-) So glad to hear you're helping others!
Post a Comment