Writing my book compelled me to examine a lot of situations that have come about in my life. Especially where other people are involved. I've forced myself to take a long and hard and on occasion very difficult look at how I've related to them. And that includes all the times... all of them... when I have wound up hurting others.
I had a feeling from the start of writing this over ten years ago that my book would in many ways be an act of penance. That feeling was not unwarranted. In the end, the manuscript I finished two months ago is replete with the longing for atonement. I have sinned against God and I have brought about grief to so many people. And I had I been a wiser person, maybe some or even all of that could be avoided.
It would be easy to say that the bipolar disorder was the cause of it all. Yet that's not entirely accurate. Yes, being a manic depressive has complicated relations with other people. It has wrecked havoc with my thoughts and my emotions and brought me down so many times. It turned me into someone who was the furthest thing from the person I really am. But in the final analysis, it was my own weaknesses that brought about ruin.
I see now where my greatest failing was to communicate.
I've only been in two relationships during my lifetime. One of them resulted in marriage that ended in divorce, the other was a dating relationship that lasted a few years before it also ended. Each of them could have benefitted greatly if I had not been so withdrawn in sharing my thoughts and feelings and desires and fears. I thought that I was strong enough to not have to do those to the utmost. And that was was a great mistake.
I don't know if God will ever let me be in another relationship. It would make me very happy if He does. It would have to be someone very special. I know the kind of woman who I am looking for. I haven't found her yet. If she exists and somehow our paths were to cross and we end up in a place where we find that God is leading us into holy matrimony, then I want to be completely open with her. I need for each of us to do that with one another. Including sharing our weaknesses, as hard as that might be to do. I didn't do that before. Maybe if I had realized that a long time ago it would have prevented a lot of anguish and heartbreak.
I should not have tried to do it alone. A relationship is two people, come together, out of mutual love and respect. In the Judeo-Christian tradition this is taken to mean that a love culminates with a man and woman become as one in the eyes of God. That means the totality of each person, given to God and to one another, lumps and all.
Maybe it took going through decades of pain to come to a point where I could realize that.
If you love someone and are committed to that person, respect them and trust them enough that you can be open with them. About anything and everything. Especially about your weaknesses. I believe that your beloved will understand. And that he or she will fully accept you. Being in love means you have each other's back, no matter how ugly or broken things may seem. But you can't get through that without complete and utter honesty with one another.
That's just something I'm feeling led to share tonight, while looking over a particularly grueling chapter of my book.
2 comments:
Chris, I think you understand true love better than most people ever will or even can.
You hold too much against yourself. Bipolar disorder is hell like I can't even imagine and you couldn't have stopped that. But look at how far you've come. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You couldn't have made it this far without being a remarkable and loving person underneath all that life has put you through. You've always been the real you and that's what matters. Someday God is going to bring you to someone who will accept you and love you. You are going to be the happiest man in the world when that happens.
Love you my brother in Christ
Elizabeth near Topeka
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