To my beloved Lisa (and for anyone else who has suffered a spouse battling bipolar)

Edit 5:12 p.m. EST: I have been asked to remove this post. And, I will honor this request.
EDIT 5:22 p.m. EST 11/18/2010: I am not going to repost the original text that was here. But increasingly, I am being led to post something about what I have gone through. Maybe - just maybe - God might use it to spare others the grief that I have gone through and that I have put too many other people through.In my last post (which really was meant to be farewell for now) I publicly disclosed that I have suffered from depression for many years. I also have had to struggle with bipolar. And I do understand that I am likely giving up a lot of great potential in coming forward with that.Well, whether I want it or not, it is a part of me. It is part of my identity, which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life on this earth. And don't think that I haven't cried out to God about it. Indeed, especially in the past two months as I have begun to regain my understanding of things, I have cried out to Him harder than ever before.I have especially asked God why He gave me this, when it led to certain things happening which are, as best I can understand them, things He is against. Like divorce.For whatever reason He has, God allowed me to be stricken full-bore with bipolar, which on top of the depression and very many medications that I have been given in the past several years to fight this, turned me into a very different person than what I really was. A different person than who I like to think God intended for me to be. I became someone who put the ones closest to me through hell. And I was completely powerless to do anything about it.Bipolar, depression and all other kinds of mental illness are not a sin. Not at all. They are a kind of disease: one as real and destructive as cancer, hemophilia and diabetes. In some ways having a mental illness is far, far worse. If God had to stricken me with something, I wish He had given me cancer instead. That is something, at least, that pretty much everybody can understand.So I would like to say some things to two groups of people. First of all, I want to address those who, like me, have been afflicted with bipolar.Please know: this is NOT your fault! You could not possibly have wanted this or asked for this condition. And if you are like me, you probably weren't even aware of your own mind turning against you until it was too late. You know where I'm coming from, and I know where you are coming from too. The feeling of being alone in a dark, deep prison cell from which there is no light, no hope, no escape. Being trapped in your own mind, having to watch helplessly as you do things beyond your control. Things that you know you would have never done otherwise.I know what it's like to feel rejected by God and rejected by those closest to you. They don't understand this. They can't understand it, not without experiencing it themselves. And like me, that is something that you - since you know what this is like - would never wish on anyone. Not even your worst enemies.I know what it's like to tell God that it's just not fair. That if He was going to allow your health to be destroyed, to let it inflict harm on your flesh. To suffer something that takes away your judgment and your common sense and your spirit for living... how can that be fair? And yet, God let it happen to us.Don't give up hope. Please, don't give up hope. And as for why God would allow this to us, the only answer that comes to mind is from the story of Jesus healing the blind man, as is recorded in the Gospel of John, chapter 9:

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?""Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. "Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means "Sent"). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.
That is the best that I have been able to locate in scripture during these many weeks. And perhaps I should be rejoicing that God let me go through this: that if it means He will be glorified in the end, that He chose me because He knew that I could take it.
That doesn't mean that I necessarily like it one bit. After all, depression and bipolar have cost me friendships, opportunities and even my marriage. I wish that I could see how this is going to end, so that my burden might be lessened from knowing that God is going to use this.All I have to go on is faith and hope and trusting in Him. I don't know how the story ends. For now I'm a struggling character in a story that He is still writing. There are moments when I wish He did use someone else. But then, that would have been someone else suffering. And how much faith would any of us have if God didn't put us in places where we were in pain and misery and crying out to Him for deliverance?In the end, God is good. Even though things are so very dark. I will be thankful that as silent as He is now, He is listening.Now, for the second group that I want to address: the people who have to live and deal with a loved one suffering bipolar...Your mother, your father, your brother or sister, your husband or your wife who has bipolar: you have no idea what kind of a hell they are having to endure. They didn't ask for this.And neither do they deserve being abandoned and left alone.Would somebody abandon a loved one because that person became sick with cancer, or hemophilia, or leukemia? Of course not! At least they should not do such a thing. Conditions such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and everything else under the umbrella of mental illness are just as much a disease as cancer or muscular dystrophy. With much the same cause: something going wrong physically, deep inside the brain. It could be brought on by trauma or it could be neurochemical in nature.These people who have bipolar, they are good people, who have been hit with something beyond their control. And it is a cruel thing to leave them because of their illness.Wanna know something though? I don't hold anything against those who have left me because of my own condition. Because as I've said, you have to go through it yourself in order to understand. And this is something that I never want those I care about to have to suffer.Folks, please: your loved ones who may have bipolar, they don't deserve to be left behind. They need to be loved and cherished. You need to love and cherish them harder than you ever have before, and I do know how hard a thing that is to ask! Just know that however much hell they are putting you through, they are being put through hell far, far worse. They don't mean to hurt you or humiliate you or otherwise bring embarrassment to you. If they are anything like what I am now going through, the eventual recovery from bipolar is going to leave them cursing the day that they were born. That is the magnitude of grief and shame that people feel when they realize for the first time how much hurt they have done to those they love most, when they couldn't have helped it.Trust me: a person with bipolar is going through more than any person should ever go through in this earthly life. To not be forgiven for what they are by the people closest to them, is a far worse thing than the condition itself.I am not forgiven. By God, yes. But not by those who I have hurt. And I would do anything to be able to take it all back, if I possibly could.And those who suffer bipolar that you, dear reader, might personally know: I've no doubt that they feel the same way.Please, don't abandon those whose own minds have turned against them. Pray for them. Be patient with them. Most of all, dare to love them in spite of their illness.More certain am I than of how my own story is becoming, do I believe that Christ will be lifted up and glorified by those who do love and cherish and forgive those who cannot help the situation of mental illness.All things work for the will of God. Even mental illness. The question is: how willing are we to choose to glorify Him in spite of ourselves and our pride?

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My wife, the political activist and teachers advocate

A few months ago my wife Lisa shared on her own blog her thoughts and experiences about the problems with the federal government's teacher loan forgiveness. She's received quite a bit of correspondence since then from teachers all over the country who have experienced similar frustrations.

Well, now Lisa is taking it an extra mile further by directly petitioning not only her own senators and governor, but some of those who created the legislation that led to this. You can read the full text of the letter she has sent out here.

Wouldn't it be neat if we wound up seeing Lisa testifying on live television before a congressional committee in Washington D.C.? :-)

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A night of John Williams music with the Greensboro Symphony Orchestra and Michael Krajewski

It all started several weeks ago when Eric Wilson asked if I knew of any concerts featuring the music of John Williams: the composer of music for the Star Wars movies, the Indiana Jones trilogy (soon to be quadrilogy), Jaws, some of the Harry Potter films and too many other things to mention. I told him that I knew Williams sometimes conducted concerts featuring his work but I didn't know of any around here off the top of my head. I did attend a concert of Star Wars music performed by the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra at Star Wars Celebration II and I told Eric that it was quite a treat, especially when they played "Duel of the Fates".

As it turned out, Eric was madly doing a Google search for such a concert. And he found one! And lo and behold, there was one scheduled for May 10th!

So long story short, two nights ago Lisa and I, along with Chad Austin and his girlfriend Koren, hooked up with Eric and his wife Kira and their two sons Jake and Ben for dinner at the Red Robin near the new Target store off New Garden Road in Greensboro. And then we headed off to Westover Church to enjoy "The Music of John Williams" performed by the the Greensboro Symphony Orchestra and conducted by Michael Krajewski.

The concert began at 8 p.m. Greensboro Symphony CEO Lisa Crawford took to the stage and welcomed everyone and thanked those who worked to make this concert possible, and she especially made mention of "the 501st Legion" which probably didn't register with a lot of folks in attendance...

Mr. Krajewski noted that 2008 is an Olympic year so it was fitting that the concert started off with the "Olympic Fanfare and Theme", which Williams composed for the 1984 Summer Olympics (and which has subsequently been used for every television broadcast of the Olympics). This was followed with the overture for 1972's The Cowboys (one of John Wayne's later films). And already, we were thrilling to hearing John Williams' music performed by such an amazing orchestra... and a terrific conductor! We all agreed afterward that Michael Krajewski not only did a beautiful job in conducting the concert but he brought a lot of wit and humor to the show as well.

After the music from The Cowboys, Krajewski remarked that the next John Williams piece became world famous for only two notes from it, and how since he lived not far from the beach that every time he came near the water he - along with everyone else who has seen the movie - hears those two notes in his head and thinks of sharks. So it was that the orchestra began playing the theme from Jaws, and for emphasis the two giant screens in Westover's sanctuary were displaying that still from the movie where the shark breaks the surface as Brody is tossing chum into the water.

Following the "Theme from Jaws", Mr. Krajewski discussed the history and importance of music in motion pictures, beginning with the live piano that was often played during silent movies. He also related the anecdote about Hugo Friedhofer, the composer for Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat, who was told during production that there would be no need for his music after all because "where would the music be coming from in the middle of the ocean?" Friedhofer told the producer to go ask Hitchcock about "where would the cameras be coming from then?"

The next piece of the evening is one that Krajewski noted is the one that Williams has regarded as his single favorite bit of composition from his long career: the "Flying Theme" from E.T. the Extra-terrestrial. And you know how you gauge how well an orchestra is playing? It's if they succeed in making your eyes well up with tears. Folks, I have to declare that this indeed happened to me during the E.T. music: that particular score has always been very moving for me to hear, and to enjoy it in a live performance was especially overwhelming.

Krajewski then addressed the audience again, and said that there was something he never understood about when George Reeves played Superman on television: it wasn't just the fact that bullets bounced off of him but then he ducked whenever the bad guys threw their empty guns at Superman (I never thought of that before). It was also that nobody - not even Lois Lane "who's supposed to be this ace reporter" Krajewski noted - ever figures out that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person! "I tried this with my wife once," Krajewski told us, and said he tried putting glasses on and passing as a whole different person but "it didn't work".

And with that, the orchestra began playing the "Love Theme" from 1978's Superman. Can you believe it's now been almost 30 years since that movie came out? The screens then showed the Superman-garbed Christopher Reeve, who really did make us believe that a man can fly. This is another piece that I've always enjoyed over the years, and was thrilled that it was included on the program.

Fast-forward twenty-three years, and we came to the next bit of John Williams music: "Hedwig's Theme" from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. A terrific performance in its own right. But then an actress dressed as Hermione Granger casually walked on stage as the music played, before getting chased through the sanctuary by Dolores Umbridge and Argus Filch! A very neat touch, and that was only the beginning...

Now the concert shifted gears dramatically, and the strings section got a chance to shine with what there is little doubt is the most haunting music that John Williams ever composed: the theme from Schindler's List. Mr. Krajewski remarked that this was not only a film that many people doubted Spielberg could pull off (because he was famous for considerably lighter fare about aliens and dinosaurs) but there was also wonder about what Williams would do with such a powerful film also. It didn't get mentioned during the show, but I've heard Williams say in an interview that Schindler's List was the hardest film he ever scored and also the one that moved him the most to work on.

Now, this one, "Theme from Schindler's List", it breaks me hard every time. And you wanna know why? I'm not gonna share the details here 'cuz that's not the point of this post, but at least twice in my life I've encountered Schindler's legacy... including meeting (long before the movie ever came out) one of the Schindlerjuden. And yes, I know that there were some historical liberties taken with the film Schindler's List. But so far as conveying the tragedy of the Holocaust, I still know of no other film that has ever come close. And the score by John Williams, with its Eastern Europe style that is both mournful and brimming with hope... has there ever been a film score so profoundly moving? I honestly don't know if there has been. This is at once John Williams' finest and most definitive piece, and also the one beyond all reckoning with anything else from his repertoire. Just as Schindler's List stands far apart from anything else of modern filmmaking, so too does its musical score. And I don't know if that's ever been said nearly enough. Mr. Krajewski and the Greensboro Symphony Orchestra got extra-hard and well-deserved applause for their performance of this piece.

Then the tone of the show tilted wildly. Eric and I could hardly believe this next one, 'cuz just a few hours earlier he was telling us how he always loved Spielberg's movie 1941: a film that I've always thought has been horribly misunderstood. Well, the next piece of the evening was "March from 1941"! Me and Eric could hardly contain our giggling at getting to hear this performed live. Incidentally, Krajewski told us that in spite of how poorly 1941 fared in contrast to his other films, that Spielberg regards this as his favorite Williams-composed march. As the orchestra played the screen filled with the image of "Wild Bill" Kelso chomping on a cigar. Think about that: John Belushi's huge mug glowering down from the front of a church sanctuary. Definitely a sight that will be forever etched in my gray matter...

Then came the intermission. We took the time to stand up and stretch, and we talked about how good a show it had been already. About ten minutes later the lights dimmed again. Mr. Krajewski took to the podium and without warning, the orchestra launched into the "Raiders March" from Raiders of the Lost Ark! Not long after they started playing, none other than Indiana Jones - complete with bullwhip - crept his way onto the stage and among the musicians. It wasn't long before he hefted aloft the famous golden idol from the South American temple at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Everyone cheered! And I was seriously expecting to witness some half-naked Hovitos chase Indy across the stage. That didn't happen and I didn't see any snakes, either :-) After the piece finished, Krajewski reminded us that a new Indiana Jones movie was about to come out: "I think it's going to be called Indiana Jones and the Search for Medicare", he joked.

The next bit of music is one that most people have never heard of in its entirety but everyone has listened to part of at least once: the theme music for NBC Nightly News. It's actually called "The Mission" and Williams it turns out has always appreciated having it enjoyed in its entirety. It's a very good piece in the classic John Williams style, and maybe someday there will be a broadcast of NBC Nightly News that features this entire score and not so much bad news: an event that John Williams has said would be "a good news day".

Then came the part of the evening that I think it's safe to say was the highlight of the evening: the music that Williams has composed for the Star Wars movies. Krajewski informed everyone that across the span of six movies and almost thirty years, Williams wrote more than 14 hours of original music for George Lucas' epic space opera: "So I hope you went to the restroom during intermission," Krajewski quipped. He then said that in addition to six movies that there might be a seventh Star Wars movie coming out called "The Sith Hits the Fan". Some mild groaning at that one, heh-heh... :-)

The "Main Theme" from ever Star Wars movie was the first bit of saga music to be performed, followed by "The Flag Parade" From Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. "Anakin's Theme" came next, and then the piece that Eric said weeks ago he was most giddy about hearing performed live: "Duel of the Fates". Even without a choral accompaniment, it's plenty powerful. During "Duel of the Fates" an actress in Princess Leia's outfit from Episode IV: A New Hope - complete with hair buns - made an escape across the stage from fully-armored Imperial Stormtroopers, who then engaged in a blaster fight with Rebel soldiers. This was the first appearance by the 501st Legion during the show and judging from the reaction, it was a huge crowd pleaser.

Then came "Imperial March". The Stormtroopers returned to the stage. And then none other than the Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader, angrily strode across the stage, stood on the conductor's platform and stared down Michael Krajewski. Vader personally conducted the final strains of "Imperial March". And it must be said: Darth Vader is not only dangerous with a lightsaber, he's pretty adept at conducting an orchestra too!

When Krajewski finally regained his position (because nobody is going to dispute when Darth Vader wants something) he led the orchestra with "Yoda's Theme" from Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and finished the Star Wars portion of the program with "Throne Room" from A New Hope. As "Throne Room" was winding down, a wild assortment of Stormtroopers, Jedi, generic Mandalore Supercommandos, TIE Pilots, Royal Guards, and Imperial Officers arrived for the finale...

But that still was not the end of the show! After Mr. Krajewski had taken a bow, he left and just as quickly returned, and in an encore led the orchestra in a performance of the "Theme from Superman". During the main chords of it a guy in a Superman costume leaped from the stage, ran to the back of the sanctuary and returned with a "damsel in distress" in his arms.

I'd say that between the musical talent of the Greensboro Symphony, the conducting skill and good banter of Michael Krajewski, and the theatrics by the 501st and everyone else, this turned out to be quite a show. I told Lisa on our way home that it was by far one of the best evenings that I'd enjoyed in quite a long time.

'Course, having good friends to share it with certainly went a long way, too! Here we all are after the concert (in front of what Chad and I realized after this pic was taken is the baptistery of Westover Church)...

(left to right: Eric, Jake, Koren, Chad, Ben, Kira, Lisa, me)

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Happy Birthday to my lovely spousal overunit!

Here's wishing a wonderful Happy Birthday to the most beautiful, wonderful girl that God could have ever let any guy have for a wife...

Happy Birthday Lisa, and I love you :-)

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Teachers suffering unfairness in government's loan forgiveness

My wife Lisa has posted her account of applying for the government's Teacher Loan Forgiveness program. She's been teaching for a few years now and by all measure has done an exemplary job both in her profession and in managing her post-graduate finances (and I'm not just saying that 'cuz I'm her husband). She should have qualified for this. Unfortunately she was deemed "not eligible" apparently to do some very odd terms in the program. And also she's far from the only teacher who this has happened to. Here's the story in Lisa's own words.

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Finally found TRANSFORMERS: THE SCORE in a retail store!

It was actually my wife Lisa who discovered it. A few days ago she was at the Best Buy in Burlington (North Carolina) shopping with a friend and she spotted Transformers: The Score, the soundtrack CD composed by Steve Jablonsky from this summer's smash-hit movie (and also the CD that this blog may or may not have played some role in trying to expedite its release :-) sitting on the rack in the music section. Although Transformers: The Score came out on October 9th, it has been notoriously hard to find in regular retail outlets. In fact, just about the only way most people have been able to reliably purchase a copy is via Amazon.com, where it's been selling consistently well (currently #80 in music overall and #10 in soundtracks).

Here's a photo of it at Best Buy (looks like they've got quite a few in stock)...

And since Lisa's known how much it's meant to me to be able to have bought it in a real store (oh yeah, we've still got the copies that Steve Jablonsky signed and gave to us but it's never felt right to be able to listen to those while most people haven't been able to get their hands on it yet) she was really sweet and bought it for me!

The signed copies by Steve Jablonsky, I'm still planning on putting those in a shadowbox, along with a printed-out copy of the online petition (including all of the signatures) and a little plaque that says "NO SACRIFICE, NO VICTORY!" In the meantime, I'm finally listening to Transformers: The Score and getting to enjoy it guilt-free :-)

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My wife leaves me to go study banjos

No joke: over the past 3 months my wife Lisa has been gone from home for roughly a month. All on trips to places where she's been learning how to enhance her abilities as a music teacher. This past week she went to the North Carolina Center for the Advancement of Teaching out in Cullowhee (right across the road from Western Carolina University) to learn about the banjo and its history: from its origins in Africa to its adoption as a traditional Appalachian folk instrument.

Look! Lisa even posted about it on her blog!

She had a lot of fun. And she learned a lot about the banjo and how to apply it to her classes. Not to mention that she brought home a wazoo-load of CDs from bluegrass groups that came to the seminar like Carolina Chocolate Drops and Balsam Range.

In spite of its location, Lisa informs me that at no time did anyone perform "Dueling Banjos"...

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Look at what Lisa surprised me with last week!

Star Wars: The Complete Visual Dictionary. She got it through some special book-order thing at her school. 272 full-color pages that put together all the previous Star Wars Visual Dictionaries, with the addition of some new material. A very neat tome that's a fine addition to my Star Wars bookshelf. Or on the coffee table to be oggled by guests.

Do I have the greatest wife ever, or what? :-)

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Lisa has a review of SPIDER-MAN 3, too!

My lovely "spousal overunit" Lisa chimes in with her thoughts about Spider-Man 3 over on her own blog. Here's something she said that I think especially needs to be said of the movie...

This movie provided what America has need for a long time, a lesson in humility and forgiveness. Revenge, power, and arrogance can and will destroy. Spider-Man cannot serve the people if he is self-absorbed; neither can the leader of a country. America has become so materialistic and self absorbed, that we have failed to be a great people anymore. We have become so selfish, that we have lost focus of the rising struggles within and around us. We must learn to put our neighbors before ourselves, before we can find happiness and success. Even Spider-Man had to learn this the hard way. He had to forgive himself and his enemies to be a free and happy man.

Hit the above link for more.

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The "Garter Incident" from Chris and Lisa's wedding

Our wedding was almost five years ago and people we know still giggle whenever the crazy stuff that happened during it comes up in conversation. I've started ripping some video clips from our DVD of it and here's the first: the now-infamous "Garter Incident". Keep in mind that this is a stunt that I had been waiting for fourteen years to pull off...

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My birthday, and an R2-D2 mailbox in Greensboro!

So two days ago it was my birthday. Which in recent times that's been a pretty rough thing for me to go through. I guess it's because a few years ago I spent my birthday as a pallbearer for my grandmother's funeral and the last thing approximating physical contact with her was carrying her casket to the graveside. Since then I've never been able to fully dis-associate birthdays from funerals, life from death. And my grandmother and I had been close, too.

There have been times that it hasn't been so bad though. The following year after her funeral, during the first year of our relationship, Lisa went far in giving me a fun, upbeat, positive birthday. That included going to Olympic Park in Atlanta, then meeting up with my life-long best friend Chad where he worked at the CNN Building and he showed us around to a lot of places that you'd never see on a guided tour of the place, and then Lisa took me to see the annual Atlanta Passion Play put on by First Baptist Church there (the one that Charles Stanley pastors).

That was a good birthday. This year... not so much. Guess it's because of a lot of things that have come crashing down all at once lately. It was enough to jerk me back into that "birthdays = death" thing that I've tried so hard to shake off. But I was able to manage to have a little bit of fun all the same...

One good thing that I'll remember this birthday for, was that it was the day I finally got to see one of those cute new R2-D2 mailboxes for myself (click on the link to see if there's one in your town). Until this weekend I was ready to go to Raleigh, Charlotte, Asheville or maybe Roanoke to find one, but my friend Darth Larry told me the day before that there was definitely one in Greensboro. He told me where to find it (and here's his report and photos of the thing). So yesterday afternoon Lisa and I went to the corner of West Market Street and College Place (this is the front entrance to Greensboro College, if it helps any) and found our little Artoo unit...

Here's a shot of the intersection that Artoo is next too (along with Lisa)...

Here's what the back of our faithful astro-droid looks like...

Here's Lisa re-creating a famous scene from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (maybe we should have found her a white Leia outfit and done her hair up in buns for this pic?)...

And finally, to prove that I was really there (note my custom-built lightsaber hanging from my belt)...

When the new Star Wars stamps from the U.S. Postal Service go on sale on May 25th, I'm thinking of wearing my full Jedi costume to the post office when I buy some. Maybe I'll have photos to post of that too, if I can find someone willing to go with me who won't be afraid to associate with a guy in a Jedi getup :-)

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