Twelve Years Later: Forgiving Mom

The realization hit me this morning that today is the twelfth anniversary of Mom's passing.

 

I've written about her before, here.  Maybe too much.   Sometimes all the hurt and anguish builds up and demands, even needs a vent.  Some people do that with art.  Or going out for a drive.  I learned a long time ago that I can't paint and I'm a threat to everyone on the road if I'm not in the right state of mind for driving.

 

I guess, I'm writing this to note how much my attitude toward Mom has changed in the past year or so.

 

There is no forgetting the things she did.  I can still hear her screaming "You're retarded!" at me.  The beatings.  The humiliations, often in front of friends (mine or hers).  Her telling me I wouldn't count for anything, and how much I believed her and maybe still believe on some level.  The list goes on.

 

I don't even know if I ever got a sincere loving hug from her.  She may have thought I was too deformed, too broken: the result of a birth that almost ended in my death and that close family insist made me mentally defective.

 

No, there is no forgetting those and more.  Mom had, as a dear friend put it, "a kernel of cruelty".

 

But in the past year or so, something has happened that surprises me as much anyone...

 

I've begun to forgive her.

 

It's not complete. Not yet. But maybe that's coming.

 

I've gradually started to let go of my anger and hatred toward her.  Have stopped letting it dominate my life, for the most part.   Maybe, even, coming to sympathize with her a little.

 

Because she was NOT all bad.  She did work hard to provide our family with food and clothing.  She also worked so that my sister and I would benefit from a private school education.  And there was never a bad Christmas, when Mom and Dad were behind it.  We always got nice presents from Santa that morning.

 

Mom did have her sweet moments, too.  They were so sporadic as to be complete surprises.  A few times she would come home from work, and having stopped at the Eden Mall along the way to get some things, and she would have a new Transformer toy for me (I so loved those little guys).  There were times when she surprised us with Domino's pizza for dinner.

 

I can't unfairly account for her bad, without doing likewise with her good.

 

Perhaps I must be content to resort to believing thus: that Mom was a very complicated person, who sometimes let the worst come out but was also capable of good.  That's the best I'll probably ever get to have on this side of the veil.

 

In her final year, she did once say something about how she had treated me at times.  Telling me that "wasn't the real me".  I've thought long and hard about that.  Was it just a lie, one of many that she told me over the years?   I don't know. I'll never know.   But like I just said, that's likely the best I'll ever get.  The closest to a real apology from her. I've got to do my best to accept it.

 

Nothing good she did will completely erase the hurt. But I can choose to overlook those, for sake of allowing myself to love the woman who, for good or bad, did bring me into the world.

 

Maybe writing this and sharing these thoughts will bring me closer to closure. And perhaps these words will resonate with others, who likewise are having a hard time letting go of anger and bitterness. I can tell you that forgiving someone can be a very hard thing. But it really will bring you a freedom that you've never known.

 

If I can forgive my mother, then anyone can forgive... and be forgiven.

 

 

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God, sacrifice, and Yoda

The other week I shared on here that I had put my beloved Yoda puppet signed by "Weird Al" Yankovic up for auction on eBay.  It was something I had never, ever thought I would find myself doing.  I had outright declared that it would never happen.  When I asked Weird Al to sign this, it was always with the intention that it would be just for me, a real treasured prize for both my Star Wars and Yankovic collections.

 

But real-life circumstances had forced me to make some difficult decisions.  It was compelling me to betray myself and go back on what I had promised to never do.

 

Since posting about that, there have been a number of developments.  Some things transpired and, well... let's just say that for once, I have been seeing the hand of God at work and I am not doubting Him, that He provides even when all seems hopeless.

 

So yesterday I had my smart speaker set to the "Weird Al" Yankovic station.  And one of the first songs it played was "Yoda".

I took that as confirmation that I should de-list the auction for the Yoda puppet.

 

Maybe I merely needed to be ready to sacrifice it, like Abraham had to prepare to sacrifice his son (recorded in the Book of Genesis, chapter 22).  Now a forty-some year old toy signed by a musical artist is NOT the same thing as one's own child.  But I think God sometimes asks us to be ready to sacrifice something precious, so that He can make something wonderful of that.

 

In my case I learned a little bit more to trust in Him.  I think He knows what value this puppet has for me: it's something Mom bought for me when I was going on seven years old.  I like to think she was a Yoda fan too and delighted that I was crazy about the character.

 

But unfortunately that is one of the few truly happy memories that I have about my mother.  She and I had a very difficult relationship.  It was absolutely monstrous at times.  Along with the bipolar disorder, what happened between Mom and I is something that has demanded its own strategy in counseling.

 

This puppet is one of the few tangible reminders I have left that Mom could be a good person, too.  That she wasn't always consumed by the kernel of cruelty within her.  It took me a very long time to be able to forgive the memory I have of her.  That finally happened this past year.

 

I guess, maybe God knows that.  And knows that my faith in things isn't really based on anything a person can own.  But sometimes God winks at you, and maybe the provision He's made in so many ways is more appreciated because I was ready to give up something.

 

Just some thoughts I'm having this evening.

 

So, I've de-listed the puppet.  I'm confident now that things are going to work out in my circumstances.  And God has taught me some things from this particular side tale of the larger episode of late.  I can and will be thankful for that.

 

Besides, if I really did have to sell Yoda, I did NOT want him going to someone I didn't know.  I'm gonna try to "keep it in the family", with someone from among my many friends.

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Mom's memorial marker

Today was a milestone, of sorts, in my life. It was eleven weeks ago today that we had Mom's funeral.

The grave marker was put in place today.

And now, for the first time in my life, I know what it is to gaze upon the tombstone of a parent...

The plastic covering is to protect the cement until it fully cures. It's not visible in the photo, but the base of the marker has the names of my sister and I, noting that we are Ruby and Robert's children. In the background you can also see the tombstone belonging to my grandmother and grandfather.

I still haven't broken down and cried like I had expected to long before now. Was it because I was there for her at the end, as she slipped away from us? Did that make it easier to accept her passing?

Or could it be that, my faith is much greater now than it has been ever before in my life? I like to believe that. That I sincerely do know that this marker, it doesn't signify Mom's final resting place at all. Mom isn't here at all. She's somewhere else, in the company of all the family that have gone on before. Waiting for us to join her. Waiting for me someday.

And yet, I will probably find myself at this marker a fair number of times for the rest of my life. I can someday bring my children to it, and tell them all about the grandmother that they will not have had the pleasure of meeting yet.

Once more, I have to thank the fine staff at Wilkerson Funeral Home for their exceptional service to our family, which included the very fast installation of the marker (we only ordered it last week).

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We can go no further on this side of Jordan...

The array of flowers that were placed atop Mom's casket. The two pink ones are meant to represent her two children...

The teddy bear that my sister Anita placed inside Mom's casket on the morning of the funeral. I enclosed a letter: the last piece of writing that I ever did for my mother.

The casket at the graveside, immediately following the service...

The final resting place of Mom's earthly body, after the grave had been filled...

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Southern hospitality

A representative sample of all the food that friends and family brought to our house last week following Mom's death. I swear, we had enough fried chicken alone to run the Colonel out of business!

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Mom's memorial video from the funeral service

Three days ago we laid Mom's body to rest. I keep saying "Mom's body" because that wasn't Mom at all, not really. Everything that made Ruby Knight the wonderful, amazing and deeply beautiful woman that she was, God brought into His presence last Wednesday morning and out of that room at the hospice. All that we did two days later was to commit her earthly remains to the cemetery. It was as far as we are able to go in this world.

I am still recovering from it, although I'm sincerely shocked at how well I've been able to maintain myself through it all. Have there been tears? Absolutely. But... my girlfriend keeps telling me that I'm stronger than I was a year or so ago, when this would have completely devastated me. Probably to the point of needing severe medication. But this past week has seen me the furthest thing from that. Maybe the most composed in the face of tragedy that I've ever been. And I really don't know how that could come to be, except by the grace of God.

I am going to be writing a more fitting memorial to Mom on this blog in the next few days, as my thoughts are able to more clearly coalesce. But until then, thought I'd share this with all two of The Knight Shift's faithful readers. Wilkerson Funeral Service was extremely helpful to our family in this time of need, going above and beyond the call of a mortuary firm. But then, it's Wilkerson: I would have expected no less from such a fine, established company. I wish we could have had time to find more photos, but they did a terrific job in assembling the following video which played in the chapel during visitation. I just uploaded it to YouTube a short while ago, mostly so that family who couldn't make it to the funeral can get to view it. Thought I'd share it with this blog's readership as well...

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Mom is gone

At 8:26 a.m. this morning, my mother, Ruby Roberts Knight, went Home.

Thank you to everyone who has been keeping our family in thoughts and prayers.

I'm going to be away for awhile. Will try to return to this blog sometime soon.

EDIT 1:21 a.m. 12/29/2011: This has been the longest day that I can remember, from Tuesday evening on through the phone call early yesterday morning asking me to return to the hospice and then, less than an hour and a half later, Mom's passing. Between then and now have been our family making arrangements at the funeral home, a stream of visitors to our home, and many many phone calls and text messages (my sister Anita swears that her iPhone is going to explode from all the traffic!).

Some will no doubt be wondering how I'm doing in light of my disclosure on this blog that I have bipolar disorder. To be honest: better than I thought I would be. But I couldn't have gone through this were I still the person that I was a year ago. What happened that made the difference? I can only say this: in our tribulations, God makes us stronger. This morning Dad and I held Mom's hands as she passed away, not letting go for some time after the nurse called the time and told us that Mom had gone. And, well... I just can't imagine being able to do that before.

I'm only taking my regular medication for bipolar right now. There are some stronger meds available within my grasp, but I didn't want to go on them. Not for this. Just, had to be there, all there, for her. For my family. I'll write more about that later though.

But if I'm strong at all through this, it's only because God does grant peace. It is to Him that I cling right now. Just as I cling to the promise that this is not the end. That I will see Mom again someday.

As soon as I came back home from the hospice I began to write Mom's obituary. It was something I told Dad the morning before that I wanted to do, for her. Didn't have much time to compose it before it was due, and it came during the most exhaustive stretch that I've yet experienced (have had not more than 10 hours of solid sleep during the past two weeks).

Here it is.

Ruby Roberts Knight

REIDSVILLE — At 8:26 on the morning of December 28 2011, surrounded by family and with her husband and son holding her hands, Ruby Roberts Knight was let slip from the circles of this broken world, away at last from her pain and suffering and into the comforting presence of her Lord.

Funeral services will be held 3 p.m. Friday, December 30, 2011 at Midway United Methodist Church with Rev. Larry Scott, Rev. George Roberson and Rev. Sandy Brown. The burial will follow in the church cemetery. Pallbearers at her funeral: Craig Roberts of Clemmons, Kenneth Roberts of Reidsville, Jesse Roberts of Reidsville, Frankie Stiers of Palm Bay, Florida, Walter Joyce of Reidsville, and Chad Austin of Raleigh. Honorary pallbearers: Richard Wright of Reidsville, John Ashe of Reidsville, Lee Patterson of Reidsville, and Ed Woody of Waynesville.

Born on December 3, 1937, Ruby was the daughter of Elsie Wimbush Roberts and James "Duck" Roberts. In addition to her parents, Ruby grew up in a rambunctious household with six brothers and one sister. From her family she learned the value of love, of laughter, of devotion to those cared for and of faithfulness to God. She was a woman of great generosity, of formidable temerity when roiled to stand for good cause, and always a figure of inspiring courage. Ruby did not complete high school but was later proud of achieving her G.E.D. In 1970 she married and in the years following gave birth to two children: each of whom she encouraged to pursue education and to never stop learning. In 1977 Ruby was one of the first to be employed at the new Miller Brewery in Eden: she worked as a labeler operator until her retirement in 2001. In her spare time Ruby enjoyed traveling, hosting visitors (many of which over the years came to her house from distant countries), sewing, sharpening her keen mind with crossword puzzles, and especially cooking: a skill that she inherited from her mother. She was a member of Midway United Methodist Church and maintained strong ties with Evangelical Methodist Church, both in Reidsville. She was preceded in death by her mother, her father, her brother Franklin Stiers, her brother Michael Stiers, her brother Wayne Roberts, and many others who had gone on before into the presence of the Lord.

She is survived by husband of 41 years Robert Rankin Knight of the home, son Robert Christopher Knight of the home, and daughter Anita Christine Knight of Dunn, North Carolina. She is also survived by sister Glendora Roberts, brother Kenneth "Nub" Roberts, brother R.A. "Snooks" Roberts, and brother Jesse James Roberts, all of Reidsville. Ruby is also survived by a very special friend of the immediate family, Kristen Lee Bradford of Roanoke, Virginia. She is also survived by many, many nephews and nieces, several cousins, and a lifetime's worth of friends and co-workers, many of whom lovingly referred to her with the childhood nickname that she carried throughout her life: "Sister".

The family will receive friends Thursday, December 29 at Wilkerson Funeral Home from 7 to 9 p.m. and other times at the residence.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to Hospice of Rockingham County, PO Box 281, Wentworth, North Carolina 27375.

Condolences may be sent to the family at www.wilkersonfuneral.com

Published in News Record on December 29, 2011

There will be more but for now, I need to take care of my family. Expect some new blogging after we have finished doing what we need to do. And again, for all who have sent condolences, on behalf of Dad and Anita and the rest of our family, I thank you.

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Happy Birthday to Mom!

A wonderful Happy Birthday today to my Mom!

We had dinner with her and Dad tonight at Sagebrush here in Reidsville. And they got to ride in my new car for the first time. A great time was had by all :-)

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