The Knight "Many Santas" Hypothesis

Work with me here.  This is something that popped into being inside my gray matter a few weeks ago.  Personally, I can't find any argument about how this is not a viable theory.  Although I confess that I did ummm... "borrow" some things from current pop culture.   But as Santa Claus is a character who has borrowed much else across the centuries I think it's appropriate.

So here it is: my hypothesis for why there are so many Santa Clauses, how Santa gets ALL that work done in a single night, how Santa knows everything about whether you've been bad or good.  And that ultimate question: does Santa Claus exist at all?

All right, here we go...

Santa Claus is a multi-universal entity. That's why we see so many of them at Christmas time. Most of the Santas you're seeing are from other universes who are in ours for awhile. Each Santa has a territory staked out, so it's always Santa who brings toys, they're just not necessarily Santa from our universe.  Santa is living, breathing proof that the "many worlds" theory is true.  He is the anthromorphic personification of quantum mechanics.

 

This is also why "Santa" takes so many forms wherever on Earth he's at. Father Christmas? Yup, he's from another universe too.  So is Julmoten (and HIS multiples), Papa Noel, and every other incarnation of a kindly old man who brings presents to good little girls and boys at Christmas.

Santas from across the Multiverse

Being a multiversal entity gives Santa access to all kinds of wild technology, some of which seems absolutely magical to us mere mortals.  This explains the flying sleigh.  Reindeer?  Those are mostly just for appearance's sake.  The real Santa's sleigh is a miracle of applied science that is as mundane to many others in the multiverse as a truck-pulled sleigh in a Christmas parade is for us today.

 

(That Santa?  Yup, he's a multiversal agent also.)

 

Every so often the Santas, all couple of million or so of them, congregate at the North Pole, which is the nexus of all those divergent universes. There the Council of Clauses set forth policy, handle legislation and otherwise provide leadership for all the Santas.

 

Who is that Santa Claus you see at the mall, or ringing a bell for charitable contributions? Is that the real Santa? The answer is no AND yes. Santa Claus is a mythic wave function given temporal form. If you share your Christmas list with one Santa, it's as if you've shared it with EVERY Santa.

 

And it goes without saying: all of those Santa Clauses operating in the world have a MUCH easier time than the government does in watching for who's been naughty or nice.

 

So be good and keep the faith, my friends. Yes Virginia, there most certainly IS a Santa Claus. And he is everywhere!

 

UPDATE: a kind reader sent us a photograph of one of the "Quantum Clauses".  This Santa is in the Reidsville, North Carolina, United States area:

 

 

 

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Raggin' on Rudolph

Two thoughts about the reindeer who went down in hist-o-REEEEEE...

1. If Rudolph's nose is THAT bright, and also such high-energy because of its intense red hue, assuming it's radiating out the lumens of at least the running lights of a commercial airliner and that it's shining right at his face...

...Rudolph should be totally blind by now!! Even one trip around the world would have been more than enough to burn out his retinas.

I hope Santa sleeps easy with this on his conscience.

2. Johnny Marks wrote "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" in 1949 as part of a publicity campaign for the Montgomery Ward's department store chain.

Just think: if the company had insisted upon royalties every time that song was played or performed or sung in public by school choirs and Brownie troops, Montgomery Ward's would still be in business!

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Jack Bauer interrogates Santa Claus

I'm not much of a 24 fan, but this is darned funny!

Rebel Christmas Card gets the credit for this hilarious mashup.

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"Santa's helpers" disable traffic cameras with giftwrap in Arizona!

In August of 2001, I was p***ed-off enough about the "red light cameras" in Greensboro that I decided to do something about it. So I did some designin' in Photoshop, took it to a Kinko's and had it printed up huge and laminated, and for five hours in the hot sun stood next to one robosentinel that had particularly bothered me while holding a sign that read "SMILE: YOU'RE ON KOMRADE KAMERA!" Hee-hee-hee... got lots of supporters who honked in agreement as they drove past on Battleground Avenue.

So I think this next item is bigtime groovy...

Four people dressed as Santa Claus went around Tempe, Arizona a few days ago and put gift-wrapped boxes over three speed and red light cameras around the city. And for good measure they posted the video of their rebellion on YouTube...

It cannot be said enough: America is not her government. America is her people. When America's people lash out at government abuse, then that is the definition of a virtuous citizenry.

Bravo to you, "Santa's Helpers"! May others be inspired by your example! :-)

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The Passion of the Claus

A guy near Seattle has crucified Santa Claus and put him on display in his front yard. The whole thing is meant to protest the over-commercializing of Christmas.

Obviously, this has upset quite a few folks around there.

This whole "crucified Santa" thing has been around for at least a dozen years now. Supposedly, the manager of a department store in Tokyo put Santa on a cross for a store display around 1994, because he was told to do something for Christmas and he didn't know what the holiday was about or what people usually did for it. And then last year some dude in Canada did the "Santa nailed to a cross" shtick too.

I hate to say this, but I kinda see where these guys are coming from. I didn't start my Christmas shopping until this past week. In years past, I used to enjoy going out and watching all of the people doing their shopping. These days, it makes me sad to see how the pursuit of materialism has supplanted whatever good has been inherently part of Christmas. Hell, I'm just happy to be here, alive and marginally sane, and able to celebrate Christmas at all, after what has been an extremely hard and trying year. I don't need "things" to be happy for this holiday season. Just give me my wife to hug and my loved ones to cherish, and I'll be happy. I am happy, in that respect.

Am I alone in my belief, that Christmas sincerely has become a religious festival: one in celebration of consumption?

Let me suggest something else along those lines: that a lot of Christians have made Christmas into something it's not supposed to be, also. For the past few months I've read about a lot of Christians who are upset that it can't be called "Christmas" in schools, by stores like Wal-Mart and other places anymore. That instead "Merry Christmas" is being replaced by "Happy Holidays" too much.

As if that's supposed to even matter to us at all.

You see, once again some people are using Christ as something for power, instead of yielding to Him out of humility. In this case they're using Christ's birth as something to lord over others.

I don't give a flying rat's butt about whether or not it's called "Christmas" or not. It wouldn't even bother me if we didn't celebrate Christmas at all. The important thing is, God came to us at all. Shouldn't that be enough to thoroughly overwhelm us?

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