...'cuz things are about to become hella interesting.
Besides, what had required my attention is complete. And Lord willing I'll get to talk about it sooner than later :-)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 04, 2009
No more blogging...
...until it is completed.
(What "it" is, I shall leave as an exercise for the reader.)
ETA time to finish: 3-5 weeks, perhaps.
But I will be making occasional updates on my Twitter page, so feel free to follow my antics if you are so led. That is, if you don't have anything else better to do :-P
Thursday, April 02, 2009
'Fess up time for "The April Fools joke that COULD have really happened"
Never in my wildest fevered delirium could I have imagined what the reaction would have been.
Let's put it this way: since early this morning, I have been in a nearly constant gigglefit about this whole thing.
Here's a sample of the correspondence that's come in...
"Brilliant, pure genius with Johnny and his minions."The traffic to the blog in the past 24 hours has been enormous: one of the biggest days ever without a post that didn't make it on Slashdot or some other major news site. Near as I can figure, more than five thousand hits since the article went up at 1 a.m. yesterday morning. This joint has received visits from Washington D.C., Rome, Manila, Tokyo, Bern, Moscow, Rio de Janeiro, all across the Fruited Plain, and just about everywhere else that you can put a pin on the map. And numerous hits from Vatican City itself. There have been more people coming to the blog about Johnny Robertson's reported arrest while trying to accost Pope Benedict XVI than there have been about that Guitar Hero Metallica commercial."I'm speechless, absolutely without a single bit of speech."
"Chris, Chris, Chris... this one goes down in the history books: Best. April. Fools. Post. Ever."
"what a stunt, dude... You know that I bought it for THIRTY WHOLE SECONDS? (even with my knowledge that this was gonna happen - I bought it!) It looks so real! Well done! :-)"
"This is horrible but actually expected. I do hope the boy will be OK. It's a shame he has to pay for Johnny's evilness."
"Bahahah ... April Fool's, eh?"
"Chris, You have written a masterful work of fiction."
"Oh MAN that is hilarious!!"
"That is frackin' awesome! :) You were going for authenticity, and that really proved you nailed it, man! :)"
"Every phone call you make now is going to be monitored by the FBI probably , and your blog, and your emails! But it was brilliant!!!!! LOL You Rock!"
"Only you could pull that off :)"
"Maybe you'll get invited to Rome to talk about security concerns for the Pope's visit to Martinsville Speedway?"
"PWNAGE!"
"HAHAHA You crack me up Dude!!!!!! Just read your blog!!"
"funny as hell."
"Ummm -- just went to your blog. My jaw hit the floor so hard it nearly broke through to the foundation. Unbelievable!!! Truth really is stranger than fiction ... ... or maybe it's not stranger than fiction. Johnny Robertson is so bizarre that it didn't even occur to me until sometime after I read your article that I was reading it on April 1. As over the top as the whole story is, I really bought the whole thing! That says something about the guy, doesn't it? You've really out-done yourself, my friend. :)"
"Mr. Knight, the blogg you wrote about Johnny Robertson going to the Vatican true or a joke. If it is true then I can't understand why it hasn't been reported on WGSR star news. They usually report every little thing. Would you please let me know. Like your bloggs and keep up the good work."
"This was one of the best researched and well written pieces of parody that I have read in my life. It was EXTREMELY convincing and your graphics evoked sheer shock. Brilliantly done!" -- The editor of a major American newspaper
"Your story caused considerable alarm here this morning." -- An official at the U.S. State Department
"We wish more information about Mr. Johnny Robertson and his followers." -- excerpted from an e-mail written by an official in Vatican City
But as with previous April Fools stunts, the time has come to make a confession of it all. So here's the checklist for this year's gag...
1. The New York Post cover graphic was obviously a Photoshop job. Although I took considerable pains to make it look as "legit" as possible... right down to including an actual weather forecast for New York City today.
2. The BBC World News graphic supposedly showing Micah Robertson being apprehended after getting shot is also a fake. Although that was made with a real 2005 photo of the Papal Swiss Guard stopping a man who tried to get too close to Pope Benedict XVI.
3. I always try to include a "clincher": a clue, albeit sometimes obscure, that whatever work of mine you are looking at is really a joke. For this one, it was "Hank Vorjes". Who is not a reporter with the New York Post at all. "Hank Vorjes" was the name of the fictitious Associated Press reporter who filed the "story" of Microsoft buying the Roman Catholic Church from a famous 1994 Internet hoax that fooled quite a lot of people at the time.
4. I made up all the "comments" that were allegedly made to the post by blog readers. Just my own lil' way of trying to uphold the illusion :-) This is the only time that I ever post comments on this blog as someone other than myself, without my own signature.
5. However, with the exception of the line about "the pope's house", every quotation in this article that was attributed to Johnny Robertson of the Martinsville Church of Christ... is a quotation that he has ACTUALLY stated in public.
6. And obviously, Johnny Robertson has not been arrested at the Vatican. Neither has his son been shot in Saint Peter's Square. So far as I know James Oldfield isn't being held in custody by Rome police either.
But you wanna know something that's downright scary?
The few people who were "in the know" about this April Fools prank, without exception, told me before I executed it words to the effect that "What's so bad is that this COULD conceivably happen. Johnny Robertson really is the kind of man who would try to do something like that."
That same sentiment has been echoed many, many times throughout the day.
Heck, it has downright startled me that a huge number of people read this, and thought that it was a SERIOUS news report!
Which I think, says more about Johnny Robertson, James Oldfield and their cult than anything I could have possibly come up with in this clearly fictitious piece of work.
Or maybe not so fictitious. I mean, all I really did, at all, was take some very legitimate quotes by Johnny Robertson, had them doing exactly what he and his followers have publicly done not just throughout this area but in towns across the country, and merely transplanted that into an admittedly very extreme location. The most extreme that I could have come up with. Hey, give me some credit here: I could have set Johnny Robertson loose at the Wailing Wall or the Al-Aqsa Mosque, and had him cut to pieces by angry mobs at either place. I was trying to be Christ-like and kindly in my attempt at pointed parody...
What y'all read in this piece about Johnny Robertson and his twisted sect: I didn't make up anything about them. All I did was put them in an absurd situation so that I could demonstrate their own absurdity.
Seriously: does anyone who knows anything about this "church" believe that Johnny Robertson wouldn't possibly do something like assail the Vatican, if he were given the opportunity?
Johnny Robertson is a man who recently invaded and tried to violently confront a Baptist church in Bay, Arkansas (a town that I received several reports about how Robertson tried to "start a war" throughout the entire community). Johnny Robertson is a man who has repeatedly harassed one particular minister in Martinsville. Johnny Robertson is a man who intimidated one preacher's wife at her home to the point that she was compelled to threaten him with a gun if he did not leave. Johnny Robertson is a man who has persistently violated the privacy of individuals with his "in your face" camera confrontational tactics. Johnny Robertson is a man who apparently ordered a "bomb threat" painted on the side of one of his own church buildings so as to cast blame on a group of Muslims. Johnny Robertson is a man who has had dissidents and their children followed in stores and had their homes photographed. Johnny Robertson is a man who has accused a church in the area, without any evidence, of engaging in acts of child pornography.
(I could say something about how no ethical and responsible television station would ever give this man airtime... but too many of us already know that there is no such "ethical and responsible" television station to speak of, so there's no need to comment further about that.)
You know what? I don't care what beliefs Johnny Robertson and his very small contingent of followers hold to. Because one of the things I do believe in is that every person has an absolute and sacred right to seek God as best he or she can understand Him.
And Johnny Robertson has that right too.
But his right to that ends where the rights of others to seek God begins.
And he has no right to attempt to hurt people as he and his followers are doing.
They aren't acting like "Christians". They're acting more like the Taliban. And a lot of people around here regard Robertson and his cronies as just as potentially dangerous as any Islamic extremist. As one friend told me recently: "I will gladly do a Bible study with Johnny Robertson... so long as I have a Bible in one hand and a .38 in the other."
Honestly, I'm glad that this wasn't a real news story. Just as I must solemnly admit that the events depicted in this fictitious account could quite possibly happen someday. Maybe it won't be in the heart of the Vatican, but it could happen in Martinsville, or Reidsville, or Danville, or anywhere else that Robertson and his followers try to threaten and scare people in the name of God.
If that day comes, and God forbid it from ever coming, then somebody will be seriously hurt. Or worse.
And when that day comes, I sure as hell won't be laughing.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
BREAKING HARD: Johnny Robertson arrested at the Vatican! Cult leader threatened Pope! Son critical after shot by papal bodyguards! Nuncio "furious"!
The damned lunatic has finally gone too far. And not all the pathetic PowerPoint charts on his laptop can possibly save him now.
Local cult leader Johnny Robertson of the "Martinsville Church of Christ" - the very same individual who has harassed many churches in the area and has sought to inflict his own warped brand of "Christianity" with rude force and heartless lies - has been arrested in Vatican City following what is being called a "coordinated and persistent attempt" to threaten Pope Benedict XVI within the very Papal Apartments of the Apostolic Palace!
Behold the front page of today's New York Post, screaming the over-the-top sins of Henry County, Virginia's most rabid mad dog for all the world to see...
Robertson's 16-year old son Micah Robertson is also in critical condition at a Rome hospital after being shot in the abdomen by the Papal Swiss Guard. Micah Robertson apparently made a threatening gesture with what seemed to have been a weapon, but was found to have been a concealed video camera.
Fellow cult member James Oldfield was subsequently apprehended by Rome Police and is being held for questioning.
Johnny Robertson himself is currently being detained by the Gendarme Corps of Vatican City State in a security station adjoining Saint Peter's Basilica. Inspector General Domenico Giani is said to have personally taken charge of the investigation of "this most grievous and uncivil affront to the safety of the Holy Father."
And top Catholic officials from the Vatican to the Apostolic Nunciature in Washington D.C. are reportedly "furious" at what is being called "the biggest diplomatic incident between the Holy See and another state since the Noriega/Papal Nuncio situation in 1989."
Here is what I've been told by Hank Vorjes of the New York Post (which allowed this blog to break the cover after I provided the image of Johnny Robertson on short notice): late Monday afternoon Johnny Robertson, Micah Robertson and James Oldfield arrived via commercial airliner in Rome. After securing accommodations the trio immediately made their way to Vatican City: recognized by the Lateran Treaty as its own sovereign state. Upon entering Saint Peter's Square the elder Robertson and Oldfield approached two Swiss Guards and asked to be directed to "the pope's house". The guards refused, judging the three to be "suspicious". Not to be deterred, Robertson led his cult members toward what he said must be "the pastor's office". This turned out to have been none other than the main gate of the Apostolic Palace: the location of the Papal Apartments.
By this time it was getting to be late afternoon and Johnny Robertson, impatient, accosted three of the Papal Gentlemen who were entering the palace. Robertson Sr. informed the Gentlemen that he was "a preacher with the 'Church of Christ'" and that he had "information" that he wanted to "share with you all". Robertson and Oldfield then tried to press numerous DVDs into the hands of the Papal Gentlemen, who refused and later informed Maestro di Camera del Papa James Michael Harvey - himself an American - of the incident.
Then yesterday afternoon, Johnny and Micah Robertson and James Oldfield returned to the Apostolic Palace. Only this time the cult members changed tactics: Johnny Robertson produced credentials for a fictitious organization called "Religious Review Multimedia" and asked to see "the person in charge". He was told that he would have to make an appointment with Prefect Harvey. Robertson refused this and violently insisted that the people inside the palace "are all afraid of me!" and demanded to be allowed inside so that he could "debate" with Pope Benedict XVI. Robertson and his comrades were asked to leave, at which point Robertson started screaming "There is not a preacher in this town that knows as much Bible as I do!" and that "I will make him look so bad!" if he were to meet the Pope. Swiss Guards were called to the scene and attempted to herd Robertson and his cronies away from the gate. "This is going on YouTube, just so you know!" he was heard to tell them.
Approximately one hour later, due to circumstances which at this time are still being investigated, an alarm was sounded throughout the Apostolic Palace. Additional Vatican gendarmerie rushed to the scene and were told that an intruder had entered the inner sanctum of the Papal Apartments: the Pope's private residence. Minutes later Johnny Robertson was arrested at gunpoint after being found "banging ferociously" on what he assumed was the Holy Father's office. As he was dragged away, Johnny Robertson shouted atop his lungs that "I'm presenting myself just like Jesus did! Nobody could answer Him. That's what I'm doing. These guys can't answer me!" and "I would wrap that stuff around their necks!"
Immediately following Johnny Robertson's removal from the building, a number of Papal Gentlemen indicated to the Papal bodyguards the presence of Micah Robertson, who attempted to flee the scene. The guards ordered the junior Robertson to halt but he refused, instead moving to produce what was thought at the time was an automatic weapon. One of the guards instinctively shot Micah Robertson with a SIG P225: the standard sidearm of the Swiss Guards. Micah immediately fell and was rushed at by both Swiss Guards and gendarmerie. A BBC World News camera at the scene happened to catch the drama as it happened. The "weapon" turned out to be a well-concealed video camera that the younger Robertson had apparently been using to covertly interview random individuals in Saint Peter's Square without their knowledge.
Papal guards quickly assured officials that Pope Benedict XVI was not in danger, and was in fact having an audience in another portion of the Apostolic Palace at the time.
With the elder Robertson remanded into custody and the younger being rushed to a nearby hospital, Vatican police alerted their colleagues in the greater Rome metropolitan area to be on the lookout for the third confederate. James Oldfield was arrested a few blocks away from St. Peter's Square.
The story in the New York Post is describing Robertson's "Church of Christ" as a "lunatic fringe movement" that has nothing in common with the mainstream Churches of Christ. Indeed, Robertson's "Martinsville Church of Christ" is being likened to the Taliban, and Robertson himself described as a "Jim Jones" type who has declared himself to be "God" on more than one occasion. Reporter Hank Vorjes of the New York Post has asked for my cooperation in securing interviews with former members of the cult, who will likely be eager to tell all now that Robertson is behind bars in one of the most tightly-secured pieces of geography on the planet. Of particular interest to Vatican officials is how Robertson, an "uncouth, illiterate" convicted felon who served time for armed robbery, managed to even get outside his own country and into Italy. Vatican and Italian ambassadorial staff are reportedly in contact with the United States Embassy about the incident: the first serious diplomatic abrasion between the two countries since the United States military laid siege in 1989 to the Papal Nuncio in Panama, where ousted strongman Manuel Noriega had found sanctuary.
And that is all I know at the moment, folks. But I'll be posting new details as they become available.
And I never thought that Johnny Robertson would be so insane as to bring his deranged war right to the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church. Some might call that "brave". I call it "being a blithering idiot."
More as this hard-hitting story develops...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
THE MATRIX was released 10 years ago today
A lot of us were asking that question in the moments following a certain commercial which ran during Super Bowl XXXIII. Two months later we got our answer. And pop culture was never the same again.
Ten years ago today The Matrix debuted in theaters and busted cinematography wide open... to say nothing of our brains and eyeballs. "What is The Matrix?" What indeed? If there had been another movie of the day that was just as hard to categorize and try to describe to others, I can't think of it. It was part hardcore sci-fi and part Hong Kong "wire-fu" smothered in extra helpings of doctoral-level philosophy with a dash of religious smorgasbord.
And audiences ate it up and begged for more.
It was late April of '99 when I first saw it. A few days before during our weekly Bible study, my discipleship partner "Bruce" (real name changed to protect the innocent) arrived raving about seeing The Matrix the night before. He started trying to explain it to me: "Neo" and "Morpheus" and "Nebuchadnezzar" and "artificial intelligence" and "red pill" and... it went waaaaaay over my head. Whatever he had seen, it was painted in wide brushes and it had completely overwhelmed my friend. "Bruce"'s raw enthusiasm made his mad litany of strange terminology both wildly enigmatic and yet strangely beguiling. We met in Burlington a few days later on Sunday night and took it in at the now-closed West End Cinema.
What did I think about The Matrix upon my first viewing of it? Everyone reading this will probably say it right along with me: "Whoa."
The Matrix has been, no doubt, the most played DVD of my collection. There's probably not a month that goes by that I don't set it spinning in the player at least once, even if it's just for subtle background noise while I work on other projects. It was the first chapter of the defining mythology of this opening decade of the new millennium. And I know that its two sequels are widely considered to have been less than adequate to meeting the high bar set by the original. Personally, I loved both The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. I thought they progressed the story to the perfect conclusion, all the while escalating the intensity that we had come to know from the first movie. And I sincerely believe in years to come, that is going to be appreciated far more than it has been already.
But today, we celebrate the one that started it all. The movie that challenged us to think and question the world around us even as it challenged conventional wisdom at the box office. The Matrix was like catching lightning in a bottle, and I don't know if there will ever be a phenomenon quite like it again.
Prayers going out for a friend
Late last night, word arrived that a friend from college and an all-around really sweet person was in a very terrible automobile accident. Details haven't come in yet but apparently it was extremely severe.
So I'm gonna hold up Kate in prayer this morning, and sincerely request everyone reading this to also ask God to bring her through this ordeal. 'Twould really appreciate it y'all.
Teen "vampire" wannabe inspired by TWILIGHT to bite classmates
A 13-year old middle-school student in Des Moines, Iowa apparently got a bit too carried away with the Twilight books. He was remanded to juvenile corrections after trying to bite and suck the blood out of 11 fellow students.
Twilight is the first book in a series written by Stephenie Meyer about a clan of "vampires". No, I haven't read the books. But these alleged nosferatu aren't afraid of sunlight, aren't repelled by garlic, aren't stopped by running water and aren't turned away by crucifixes. Those aren't vampires: they are, at most, people with severe eating disorders. Anyhoo the books are wildly popular (but y'all know that already right?) and Twilight just became a hit movie.
And to think that some people say I go too far with Star Wars :-P
Monday, March 30, 2009
Awesome GUITAR HERO METALLICA commercial!
Good friend Doug Smith told me to yank my peepers toward this excellent ad for Guitar Hero Metallica featuring not only the band itself but also basketball coaching legends Bobby Knight, Mike Krzyzewski, Rick Pitino and Roy Williams...
There's another one at coaches.guitarhero.com that shows the band tying the coaches up to a tree and then destroying the house.
Government now warning us about depression from economy
What the hell has become of America over the past few days?
From Drudge Report...
NANNY STATE: GOVERNMENT WEBSITE TO WARN OF SADNESS/CRYING OVER ECONOMYIs anyone else finding this order of words to be a little less than encouraging?Mon Mar 30 2009 18:43:56 ET
The U.S. government is set to offer an online emotional rescue kit!
"Getting Through Tough Economic Times" will launch Tuesday with a media push across all platforms. The site is meant to help people identify health concerns related to financial worries.
The feds will warn of depression, suicidal thinking and other serious mental illnesses. It will raise warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger.
The guide will be available starting at midnight at http://www.samhsa.gov/economy.
Developing...
"The feds will warn of depression..."
"The feds will warn of depression..."
"THE FEDS WILL WARN OF DEPRESSION..."
Barack Obama is fast building up his legacy as the Great Emasculator.
Obama says the U.S. government will back your car warranty
The words I never, ever thought I'd hear a President of the United States tell the country...
"Your warranty will be safe. In fact, it will be safer than it's ever been, because starting today, the United States government will stand behind your warranty."And you thought "womb to the tomb" policies were bad. Now the federal government has got your car covered bumper to bumper.
And Obama's firing the head of General Motors apparently didn't take well with the markets today: they were down all over, including the Dow at -254 points.
Search is on for real-life Duke Nukem (Plus: DUKE NUKEM 3D at GOG.com!)
While we're waiting for Duke Nukem Forever to finally come out (it's been in development since early 1997), a trilogy of Duke Nukem games is coming to Nintendo DS and PSP this fall. And to promote 'em Apogee and Deep Silver are holding a nationwide contest to find someone to pose as a real-life Duke Nukem.According to the story at USA Today: "The contest will travel to New York, Los Angeles and Dallas seeking out potential Duke Nukems. As the press release describes, 'aspiring Dukes will be judged on how well they personify the character's take-no-prisoners attitude.' The winner will be revealed during the Electronic Entertainment Expo in June."
Blast here for the official website of this gimmick.
And if you've never had the politically incorrect pleasure of playing a Duke Nukem game (or you have already and can't get enough of Duke's crude humor) GOG.com has Duke Nukem 3D: Atomic Edition for purchase and download - and guaranteed to run on Windows XP and Vista machines - at the great price of $5.99!
90-year old man earns pilot's license
Maury Marler just got his license to fly airplanes as a student pilot. Nothing unusual about that. But Marler is also 90 years old and living in a retirement community. He had a civilian license around 1941 but it's long since expired. Sixty-six years after he logged his last flight, he showed up at a flight school and took to the cockpit again. Flying has long been his passion, and now he's getting to satisfy it.
Maury Marler, you sound like a good man... and this blogger is gonna salute you for it :-)
Campus computer labs going the way of the dinosaur?
Only four incoming freshmen were without personal computers at the University of Virginia this academic year. So the school is shutting down all the computer labs on campus in an effort to save money. And there's some lively discussion over at Slashdot about whether computer labs are even necessary anymore.
If they ever go away completely... wow. I was a computer lab manager during all four of my years at Elon. So was my filmmaking partner "Weird" Ed and a lot of others. 'Twas some of the best work that you could ever do as a student. Most of the time you were sitting on shift for three or four hours with nothing to do but surf the 'net. That is, until another student... or an instructor... came to you about "there's no paper in the printer", or "the printer is jammed", or "THE MOUSE ISN'T WORKING!" That one happened to me more than once. And it was from a faculty member who had apparently never used a computer before, and they were waving the mouse above the top of the table trying to move the cursor!
Tellin' y'all here and now, that computer lab managers were - and still are - a breed apart. We all got our war stories to tell. We are a proud but dwindling race. And now we go quietly into that long night, brought on by ubiquitous laptops and personal wireless networks.
Study sez: Lobsters and crabs feel pain
Next time you go to Red Lobster and order a succulent, mouth-watering lobster or some crab legs, it may or may not interest you to know that according to a new study lobsters and crabs and other crustaceans are now said to register the sensation of pain throughout their neurobiology.And incidentally, there is already talk about legislation that would protect crustaceans from "cruelty" like cultivating them so they can be thrown into cooking pots, etc.
That makes no sense. I mean, for the longest time we've been raising cattle on farms and ranches, for the explicit purpose of eventually slaughtering them so they can be turned into steaks and hamburgers. Same thing with pigs destined to become a plate of barbecue or a slab of ribs. What next: a study showing that bananas scream in agony when they're plucked from the stalk?
'Course, there's always this compelling evidence from a 1988 episode of Garfield and Friends demonstrating that lobsters not only have sensation, but they can feel lonely too. Here is "Maine Course"...
Final theatrical poster for STAR TREK
Ooohh-kaaaaay...
That's definitely one movie poster that doesn't give anything away.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Obama forces out General Motors CEO
I said Friday afternoon that I was leaving the blog until Monday. Anytime I take a respite, I'm serious about it. And it's gonna take something really damned bad to drag me back here.
If this ain't bad enough, then I sure as hell don't know what is...
President Barack Obama has effectively FIRED Rick Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors.
What this means is that the United States federal government has pretty much nationalized and taken over a private company. It's likely not going to be called that officially, but the policy is still the same.
Has a President of the United States ever done anything like this, in the history of this country? Certainly not in recent memory. The closest I can think of is what happened between Ronald Reagan and the air traffic controllers' union... but not Reagan or any other President in living recollection ever seized enough control of a company to call the shots about who it hires.
Scary stuff.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Off for the weekend
Will probably be Twitter-ing some, but otherwise I'll return to the blog Monday, following a few days' rest and working on mysterious new projects.
Go out and play now! :-)
