Hey, live near Reidsville, North Carolina? Want a professionally-fried turkey for Thanksgiving? Read on!

Lots of this blog's readers are well aware of my obsession with/addiction to deep-fried turkey. I first heard about it nine years ago this month and then spent two more years studying the technique and getting brave enough to attempt it. With that first succulent bite in 2002, I knew that Thanksgiving would never be the same for me again. I'll never go back to basted turkey if I can help it. For me, a bird as magnificent as a turkey deserves better. Deep-frying it is the only way to honor what no less an authority than Benjamin Franklin once decreed should be our national fowl.

This is not mere "cooking" to me. This is an art! One that demands meticulous care and attention and passion. That this is also considered the second most dangerous form of preparing food known to man (after cleaning fugu) is even more extra incentive to treat turkey frying like delicate surgery. I love my work but I also know how to be really careful. I haven't been burned yet and Lord willing, I won't be anytime soon either.

Well anyway, for some reason my fried turkey has always been a smashing success for Thanksgiving and Christmas and a few other festive occasions. It's always the first thing to go at the family table. And a bunch of folks have told me over the years that I should go public with my nigh-patentable technique. That I could offer my services to others, for a reasonable fee.

I hadn't really given it much thought. But y'all know me: I'll try anything once!

If you live anywhere within driving distance of Reidsville and your mouth is already watering for one of those gloriously seasoned and deep-fried turkeys like you see me holding in that photo, fire me an e-mail at theknightshift@gmail.com and I'll get back in contact with you. Thanksgiving is a little less than two weeks away. I've already got a few orders in and can fit in some more.

And remember: you ain't just buying a turkey. You're buying confidence! Confidence that your Thanksgiving main course will be given all due diligent care, that it'll be done by an experienced pro, and that you will be risking neither your own life or house! That's a no-lose proposition folks :-)

Read More

I've gone mad for Monsterpocalypse!

A lot of you probably remember how over the summer I made this video on behalf of HyperMind - that groovy game store in Burlington - for a contest entry. It was for the Monsterpocapalooza event sponsored by Privateer Press for that company's Monsterpocalypse collectible miniatures game. Well as is usual whenever I'm about to get involved with something, I research the bejeebers out of it! I never get involved with a project regarding something new to me without giving it the hard hairy eyeball and reading everything that I can find on the subject. The store's owners gave me a copy of the Monsterpocalypse rulebook and I scoured the Internet for whatever I could find, and in the end we banged out a darn good video. It even made the top ten of the Monsterpocapalooza finalists. And I also have a nice letter from the president of the company praising how we parodied Cloverfield with it!

Along with the letter, Privateer Press also sent over some boxes of limited edition minis from the game. Between seeing how pretty those were, and observing how everyone in the store was way enjoying Monsterpocalypse, it was more than enough to entice me to give it a try. And that's how it all started...

So now five months and several booster box purchases later (in addition to scouring eBay for a few hard-to-find minis) I must confess: I am officially a Monsterpocalypse junkie.

Awright well, what exactly is Monsterpocalypse and why am I feeling obligated to sing its praises here? It's a game based around the "giant monsters" genre... and it's a heck of a lot of fun!!

Monsterpocalypse is a game between two players (although some ambitious folks have created custom maps that let four, six and even eight people play against each other). The game is played on a playmat. On each player's side of the mat there's "storage" spaces for your various units and both forms of your monster (more on that later) along with "wells" for your various dice. Taking up the bulk of the mat is the city map, arranged in a grid. At the beginning of the game players take turns putting various building figures onto the map, constructing a city that they will soon proceed to destroy.

Gameplay revolves greatly around how you use your dice. You've got ten "action dice", ten "power dice" and you can use any number of "boost dice" depending on what figure you're using and other factors. If you want to "spawn" a unit - which are classified as either grunts or elites - onto the board you have to spend a die (and it'll cost ya two dice for an elite). Want to move a unit? It'll cost ya one die. Attack with it? That'll cost ya a die as well. But "spending" means moving the dice from your unit pool to your monster pool... which will let you wreck even more carnage with your big monster. So there's not only a lot of strategic thinkin' that Monsterpocalypse calls for, but also a good sense of economics and wisely using your resources. If all that sounds too complex, don't worry: it's not. Games are usually very fast paced and most last under an hour. Hey, this is about ginormous monstrosities unleashing death and destruction, not... chess!

The object of the game is to destroy your opponent's monster. Which ain't as simple as it sounds. Ya see, you and the other player actually have two figures representing each of your respective monsters! The primary is the "alpha" form, which is what that monster looks like in its natural state. But accumulate enough power dice (earned by destroying units and brawling building into rubble) and you can switch your monster from its alpha to its "hyper" form: a bit more powerful and often with even cooler abilities than the alpha. Your goal in Monsterpocalypse is to inflict enough damage that both of the other player's monster forms have zero on their health trackers.

Monsterpocalypse came out a year ago and it's become a huge success for Privateer Press. When the game first came out it introduced its first six factions: G.U.A.R.D. (sorta like G.I. Joe or S.H.I.E.L.D. from the Marvel comics), Martian Menace (from the red planet), Lords of Cthul (my personal favorite faction, take a guess why), Terrasaurs (think Godzilla's kinfolk hooking up with radical environmentalist terrorist wackos), Planet Eaters (also a favorite) and Shadow Sun Syndicate (sorta like the Power Rangers on steroids). Last month Series 4 of the game, Monsterpocalypse Now! was released and rolled out six new factions: Elemental Champions, Tritons (a threat from the ocean), Savage Swarm (Them!? You'll wish it was just them), Subterran Uprising (molemen... really big molemen), UberCorp International (run by a thinly-veiled parody of Howard Hughes) and a group that's fast running up players' lists of most-liked factions, the Empire of the Apes (see the gun that Kong-sized gorilla is wielding? That's really a salvaged howitzer).

So, all of this sound like oodles of fun? It most certainly is! Nothing feels quite like building up a town only to thrash it to pieces with exotic weaponry and kaiju critters. And you can find Monsterpocalypse at most of your friendly local game stores. A lot of those usually have a dedicated group of players that meet regularly. I've started playing at HyperMind in Burlington on Thursday nights, and we've a good bunch that congregates there (including one particular 11-year old who handed my butt to me with his Subterrans last night despite my use of G.U.A.R.D.'s heavy air support... but he won the Mega Mantacon figure and is happy, so it's all fine :-).

One of my favorite online resources for all things Monsterpocalyse is Team Covenant and if you're looking for any particular figures, Team Covenant's online store is well worth visiting! They not only carry the starter box sets and boosters but also special bundles and some very good custom Monsterpocalypse dice that if you start getting heavy into this game you might wanna consider getting, 'cuz the blast markings on the regular dice have a tendency to "wear off" after several games. And 'course there's also eBay, that good ol' standby (and maybe your last, best hope of scoring a Mega Yasheth figure... hey, I am big into the Lords of Cthul, y'all ;-) And it goes without saying that the official Monsterpocalypse website is a must-see if you're thinking of getting into this game. Privateer Press just overhauled the site and among other things there's a gallery featuring every mini the game has to date, including stats. There's also a lively message board for players to discuss various aspects of the game.

Monsterpocalypse gets this blog's highest recommendation for entertainment worth checking out. There's a little something for players of all ages to enjoy... and they certainly do. And if you're in this part of North Carolina, drop me a line at theknightshift@gmail.com and let's see if we can hook up and play a round some evening :-)

Read More

A Dr. Horrible fan-film?! HORRIBLE TURN is pretty darned good!

While we're waiting for Joss Whedon to deliver up some more Dr. Horrible goodness, here's something that will both entertain and astound ya: Horrible Turn. It's an hour-long unofficial prequel to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog!

Sometime in the early Nineties, young Billy is pining for a cute Australian exchange student at his school. He's also wound up helping a fellow student named Hammerstein pass his grade. Meanwhile, a group calling itself the Evil League of Evil - led by the mysterious "Bad Horse" - has just staged its first attack on the city.

And in case you're wondering YES: Horrible Turn is a musical! The production quality is quite on par with what we saw in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog last year. Click on the link to watch Horrible Turn on YouTube or on Vimeo.

Read More

This is a photograph of the sun

Many of us in this part of North Carolina no longer remember what it looks like. There is a rumor about that today we might finally see it again.

(Curse you Hurricane Ida!)

Read More

DVD, made of stone, that lasts a thousand years

Startup company Cranberry has unveiled its DiamonDisc: a DVD that stores your data by etching it in stone... literally. The disc is composed of synthetic stone that a high-intensity laser burns the data into, creating a DVD said to be perfectly compatible with all DVD drives and players. But amazingly, Cranberry claims that the DiamonDisc will keep your data safe for a thousand years.

(Whether there will be DVD players in the year 3009 is a whole 'nother matter.)

You can send your data to Cranberry to have it burned by them. Or you can buy the DiamonDisc recorder for your own use, for the low price of $4,995. But that also gets you 150 DiamonDiscs that currently run $34.95 each when bought separately.

Personally, I think the major studios should adopt this new technology for the home market. And the first movie that gets this "recorded in stone" treatment deserves to be The Ten Commandments :-P

Read More

Man arrested for phone sex calls... to 911

The Smoking Gun has published the mug shot and police report of one Joshua Basso, a Florida man who's currently in the pokey after making numerous telephone calls to a woman, asking crude questions about her breast size and then queried her about engaging in erotic activities.

That's gonna land him in court for sure. Except that Basso also made all of his calls to 911. There's gonna be a bunch more charges against him for abusing the 911 system.

Why did he do it? Basso claimed that his LG cell phone was out of minutes and that he "called 911 because it was free".

This guy wasn't just stupid: he was stoopid!

Read More

MPAA shuts down town's entire Wi-Fi over one download

Coshocton, Ohio is a town without free Internet. Thank the Motion Picture Association of America, which successfully turned off Coshocton's Wi-Fi connection to the world because, allegedly, one person used the wireless access to download a copyrighted movie.

In addition to being of great benefit to out-of-town tourists and business people, the Coshocton County Sheriff's Department personnel have found the Wi-Fi service to be a tremendous convenience by letting then file an accident or incident report without having to leave their vehicles. That's no more, because the MPAA somehow mustered up enough power to violate the Geneva Convention and subject everyone in town to collective punishment.

(Just one more reason why the Digital Millennium Copyright Act needs to be mutilated beyond all possible recognition.)

Read More

Just typical life in Reidsville...

According to the News & Record out of Greensboro, at 3 a.m. this past Tuesday morning the South Scales Street Market here in Reidsville was robbed. Someone broke through the glass door of the store and proceeded to pilfer the place.

The assailant made of with more than $2,700 worth of cigarettes and $50 worth of condoms!

(You can insert your own clever joke here.)

I swear, more and more this town is resembling the one from Hobo with a Shotgun...

We need that guy patrolling the downtown area! :-)

Read More

School in North Carolina caught selling grades for cash

Rosewood Middle School in Goldsboro, North Carolina is in a money crunch like many schools across the country. So like most of those schools it held a fundraiser last year, selling chocolate candy bars.

But that didn't raise anything. So with the principal's blessing, Rosewood Middle embarked on a new scheme...

The school began selling grades.

For $20, a student would be able to add 20 points to a test grade: 10 points on two tests of the pupil's choosing. Enough to raise a B to an A or possibly make a failing grade a marginally passing D.

Read all about it on the website of the News & Observer, which caught wind of the plot and ratted the school out. School administrators are now stopping the "fundraiser" and refunding any and all donations that might have been made (Rosewood Middle's principal Susie Shepherd said that the plan had elicited no money yet anyway).

Just... wow. I guess if this had gone forward that a kid with rich parents could buy himself into the Beta Club even if his grades otherwise sucked.

Read More

Charlie Chaplin stars in THE MATRIX

It could use some piano accompaniment. And the cards need some serious cleaning-up of translation. But those aside, this is still very clever: The Matrix as an old-timey silent movie featuring Charlie Chaplin!

That "dojo" scene is especially Chaplin-esque :-)

Read More

25 days until THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

Last night we had the first rehearsal of the fire scene for Theatre Guild of Rockingham County's production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and it was a scream! "Well-choreographed chaos" is the best way to put it. And lo and behold, as a Fireman I get to be right in the center of it all! Some terrific hijinks ensue in just a minute or two of performance time and we more or less got it all nailed down pat last night. Well, 'cept for doing it in costume 'course.

And speaking of that, tonight the three of us in the Fireman roles dropped by a local fire department to get equipped with our firefighter's coats and pants. I'd never worn full fire gear before. The stuff is so bulky that I felt like I was wearing C.O.G. armor from a Gears of War game. And I've got to run up the aisle and onto the stage in that getup. Good times, aye?

Well, y'all will have a chance to see it all come together on December 4th, 5th and 6th. TGRC-NC.com has more details including ticket pricing and ordering. Hope to see ya there!

Read More

Second episode of ABC's new V just aired

I'm still enjoying this re-imagined V (slam here for my review of the pilot episode). ABC is doing a fine job of updating the concepts of the original. However, I'm more than a little compelled to say that this show needs to ratchet up the intensity. Tonight's episode "There is No Normal Anymore" picked up right after the end of last week's premiere, and then hit a plodding stride.

Maybe this is still just "setup" for a bigger payoff later. I hope so, because V has tons of potential. But unless there's some master arc plan in the works that we aren't aware of the show is taking its own sweet time more than Babylon 5 did, or Ronald Moore's Battlestar Galactica. It worked very well on those series and it can work just as well now, but V's showrunners need to pick up the pace bigtime, or all the interest it's enjoying now will peter out fast.

Read More

Worst recent Supreme Court decision now wasted: Pfizer abandons New London

Few things convinced me that this country has gone completely off the rails more than did Kelo v. City of New London: the horrendous decision by the Supreme Court in 2005.

To recap: the city of New London, Connecticut set about in the late Nineties to use eminent domain to seize the land of private homeowners... so that it could lure big companies like pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to the area and sell them the same property! It was the very worst example of stealing from Peter to give to Paul.

How did the elected officials of New London justify this outrageous action? By claiming that seizing the property of Suzette Kelo and other homeowners and giving it to major industry, that they would be building up the tax base of New London. It was for a "public good", ya see. At least that's how they described it.

Suzette Kelo and her neighbors took New London to court. And it reached all the way to the United States Supreme Court. And on June 23rd 2005 the Supremes ruled 5 to 4 that... New London and any municipality has the right to seize private land and sell it to other private interests!

(The five idiots - I don't dare refer to them as "honorable Justices" - who voted for this were Stevens, Kennedy, Souter, Ginsburg, and Breyer.)

So New London seized all of the property, bulldozed the houses into rubble, and went ahead with its plans to sell the land to Pfizer.

And now, Pfizer is abandoning New London, Connecticut entirely.

All that New London has to show for its efforts is a field strewn with rubble and waste. Suzette Kelo and the rest wound up with nothing at all.

If there is no such thing as respect for property rights in this country, then there is no respect for rights at all. Kelo v. City of New London had already demonstrated that. Pfizer moving out is in many ways New London adding insult to injury.

Will the lesson be heeded by others? Probably not.

Read More

Happy 40th birthday SESAME STREET!

"You've never seen a street like Sesame Street. Everything happens here. You're gonna love it."

-- Gordon (played by Matt Robinson)
the first words spoken on the first episode of Sesame Street
November 10th, 1969

Forty years ago today a new kind of television burst onto the scene. It was an educational program, but one that eschewed dour and boring lessons. Instead, fast-paced skits and high-brow humor were to be the norm.

And the cast of characters of this new show? An eclectic mix of adults, children, puppets, monsters, grouches... and one very big bird.

Forty years later and Sesame Street is still going strong! And after all this time Gordon is still right: we've never seen a street anything like Sesame Street. Everything does and has happened there.

And we're still loving it.

So you know, what better time than this to put up another classic Sesame Street video? Except I've posted so many of them already! Which one should I use?

I know: how about this classic sketch featuring Grover and Fat Blue, in which Grover recommends the "little" hamburger!

Now that's comedy!! :-)

Read More

Homeland Security is now officially worse than useless

Malik Nadal Hasan, the U.S. Army major who massacred thirteen people and injured more than forty others at Fort Hood in Texas last week, made numerous attempts to contact members of the terrorist group Al-Qaeda by e-mail...

...and the FBI and other U.S. government intelligence agencies knew all about it but did nothing! Their general consensus was that Hasan's activity wasn't important enough to investigate.

So let's ask the obvious question: WHAT THE #%@$-ING HELL GOOD IS THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY?!?

No way around it: the United States government effed-up heinously. Homeland Security failed! The mechanism put in place by George W. Bush, Congress, and continued by Barack Obama SCREWED THE POOCH!

There is no more justification for the existence of the Department of Homeland Security, if it couldn't prevent something like this while knowing fully well that Hasan was apparently trying to actively conspire with the same bastards that caused the 9/11 attacks to begin with.

Ask yourself this folks: if your own government can't keep us safe from an American soldier who was seeking to collaborate with this country's enemies when it knew Hasan was trying to do so, how CAN it keep us safe from anything?

Protect yourselves. Lord knows the government can't.

Read More

We saw STAR WARS: IN CONCERT in Charlotte this past weekend!

The Force was with us on Saturday night! Along with lifelong friends Chad Austin and Eric Wilson, I got to see Star Wars: In Concert when it came to Charlotte.

Chad and I hooked up in Burlington, and then high-tailed it down I-85 to rendezvous with Eric at his impregnable fortress. We wasted a few hours at Concord Mills Mall (which according to Eric is now the most visited attraction in the entire state of North Carolina), got some grub to eat and then went back to the Wilson homestead real quick so I could "get dressed" for the show. Then we headed out for the evening.

Here's the Time-Warner Cable Arena in downtown Charlotte, where the concert took place...

And here I am in my Jedi attire for a night at the Coruscant Operahou... errr... Charlotte's biggest indoor venue...

I hadn't seen this many people in Star Wars garb since Star Wars Celebration III in 2005! Granted, most of 'em Saturday night were kiddies, but there was at least one other guy there in full Jedi uniform. My getup aroused plenty of oggling, as you'll soon see.

Inside the arena before the show we got to check out a bunch of props, costumes and other artifacts from the Star Wars movies. And I wish my sister could have come (she was off running a half-marathon elsewhere during the weekend) 'cuz Chik-Fil-A was one of the show's sponsors and they had a bunch of their famous cows walking around in Star Wars costumes! Here's Eric and I with "Obi-Wan Cow-nobi"...

Chik-Fil-A also had a cow as Princess Leia (complete with hair buns) and Darth Vader walking around.

This being a major Star Wars event, the 501st Legion was well represented. Several stormtroopers (in both standard and scout armor) stalked the promenade and posing for photos. Here's Chad getting "taken into custody" by the 501st...

And then, right as Eric and I were getting this photo of Chad, something very neat started happening: people began coming to me to get their photos taken with!

And it only got better once we got to this big backdrop of the Coruscant skyline set up for photos...

Offhand, I think I posed for about 15 or 20 pictures: with children and not a few adults!

We stuck around for awhile and during a break in the "photography session" and with ten minutes before showtime we headed on in to our seats. Here's Eric, Chad and me awaiting the start of the concert...

So, what is Star Wars: In Concert like?

It's a musical and multimedia celebration of George Lucas's beloved film saga. Conducted by Belgian composer Dirk Brosse and narrated by Anthony Daniels (who portrayed C-3PO in each of the Star Wars films) and specially pre-recorded voiceovers by James Earl Jones, Star Wars: In Concert conveys the entire mythic arc of the Skywalker family - and particularly Anakin Skywalker's rise, fall and redemption - through the medium of John Williams' amazing score, accompanied by select scenes from the movies playing out on a gigantic screen behind the orchestra.

In fitting Star Wars fashion, the concert began with the THX brand's theme blaring out of the speakers ("the audience IS listening" y'all) followed by the 20th Century Fox fanfare as the arena darkened. And then the Star Wars logo burst onto the screen as the orchestra began to play as a montage of clips from the movies reeled away.

Anthony Daniels took to the stage, introduced Dirk Brosse and began his narrative of the story: how the Republic had stood for thousands of years but that a darkness was growing. And so began "Duel of the Fates". I have enjoyed this piece three times now in live performance. This was probably the best one I've heard yet.

The story then shifted to the events on Tatooine circa 33 years before the Battle of Yavin, where a nine-year old slave boy named Anakin Skywalker was dreaming of freedom and adventure. "Anakin's Theme", "Moisture Farm" and "The Flag Parade" were the next pieces of the set, showing us everything from young Anakin's home life (including his building C-3PO) on through the Boonta Eve podrace.

And then came "Across the Stars". I had been waiting since 2002 to hear this performed live. This has become one of my all-time favorite pieces of Star Wars music and the orchestra did not disappoint! Anakin and Padme's growing love for each other even as the galaxy teeters on the brink of war had never sounded so beautiful.

I have to say something here: Star Wars: In Concert engenders a whole new appreciation for George Lucas's movies. In two hours' time we saw the story of six full-length features presented as a single cohesive and compelling story. Call me crazy for saying this if you wish, but Star Wars: In Concert reinforced something that I have believed for years: that in decades still to come, the Star Wars saga will be held up as classical opera on the same level as Wagner's Ring cycle or Parsifal.

(Something else too: for the first time since all of the movies have been released, at last I see it as one story of equal parts, instead of thinking that Episode I is the weakest and The Empire Strikes Back the best installment of the series. Star Wars: In Concert... did something for me as a fan, that I'm still trying to articulate.)

Daniels continued with his narration: about how Anakin's lust for power to save the ones that he loved ultimately and ironically led him toward the Dark Side. Palpatine completes the young Jedi's seduction even as he finishes the master stroke of his takeover of the galaxy. So it is that an Empire is born and with it, Darth Vader. "Battle of the Heroes" - another of my very favorite Star Wars pieces - began, and was then followed by "The Imperial March".

Following a twenty minute intermission the concert began again. "The Asteroid Field" and "Princess Leia's Theme" were next. Then it was the haunting and reflective "Tales of a Jedi Knight", which quickly segued into "Cantina Band".

The diminutive green Jedi Master was the next to receive musical attention as the orchestra played "Yoda's Theme", the screen showing us every aspect of Yoda's career: from his mentorship to his swordsmanship!

Next up, spaceborne combat erupted to the strains of "TIE Fighter Attack". And then it was "Luke and Leia", as the relationship between the brother and sister was chronicled from birth on through their first meeting on the Death Star and then the revelation that Luke and Leia were the offspring of the very man they had been leading a war against.

If you love Ewoks (and who doesn't? Okay, forget I asked that...) then you'll thrill to hearing "Forest Battle" performed live. We certainly did!

Winding down the mythic narration, Daniels spoke of how Anakin Skywalker finally threw off the chains of hate and rage that had bound him to Darth Sidious for so very long, and through love for his only son found redemption at the cost of his own life. The orchestra performed "Light of the Force". And wrapping up the main show, they played "Throne Room/End Titles" for the finale.

But what is a magnificent concert such as this without an encore? "I get the feeling that you don't want to go home yet!" Anthony Daniels told the crowd. "Yeah!!" everyone screamed. The lights went down again and the orchestra did another performance of "The Imperial March".

And then the show was over. The credits rolled on the screen, while David Bowie's song "Ground Control to Major Tom" played over the speakers. How geeky cool is that? :-)

It was a heckuva grand evening: probably one of the best that I've had in awhile. Getting to share it with two good friends, and being able to entertain quite a few folks with my Jedi getup, made it even more special.

Star Wars: In Concert is touring the United States and Canada right now and is scheduled to begin a worldwide tour later on. I absolutely recommend going to this if it's at all possible. And I would love to see a DVD of this concert be made available at some point. PBS has been running a special about it lately, so I know they've already done filming for it. This is the kind of experience that more than deserves preserving for the ages.

But don't let that possibility deter you from seeing it now if you can, folks. Star Wars: In Concert is a performance you will remember for all time!

Read More

Johnny Robertson DOESN'T know the Bible... again!

I must confess: it's entered my mind that the more local cult leader Johnny Robertson harasses others and tries to destroy lives and congregations, the more opportunity he's providing for others to seriously present what the Bible really says about Christ and salvation because of His grace.

There was much to observe from last night's What Does the Bible Say? on WGSR. For openers, Robertson validated something that I noted about him last week: that he not only insists upon baptism for the wrong reasons and damns those who don't subscribe to his belief, but that Robertson also think he controls baptism! It came when a woman called and asked to be baptized and Robertson expressed great hesitancy about it because Robertson suggested that the woman didn't "understand" why she wanted baptism. He claimed to take her phone number so that he could call her later, so that she wouldn't "die in" her sins... because Robertson demands that salvation is in the water and not in the Blood.

Kinda makes you wonder if Robertson and his cult actually worship H20, as much as they talk about it more than they ever talk about Jesus Christ.

Other things from last night's show, in no particular order...

- Robertson once again condemned dancing as sin, without any scriptural basis for it (other than a bizarre use of the story about John the Baptist and Herod).

- Robertson likened himself to John the Baptist and Malcolm X (?!?!?).

- Robertson continued to vent his unwholesome jealousy and hatred toward Martinsville-based television station BTW.

But it was Robertson's long tirade against Jonathan Falwell and comedian Steve Harvey that raised my eyebrows the most, and convinced me anew that for all his boasting, Johnny Robertson does NOT understand the Bible at all.

Robertson ran a clip of Harvey on some Christian talk show, talking about his born-again experience. And Steve Harvey was very up-front about his shortcomings in life, like being a divorced man. Some of the things he discussed in the clip elicited hearty laughter from the audience.

The gist of what Steve Harvey and Jonathan Falwell were saying is that God accepts us just as we are. But that's not good enough for Johnny Robertson. During last night's show Robertson declared and insisted many times that we can't "come as we are" before Christ. We have to be "good enough" for God before He can accept us, Robertson said.

Really?

Because I have read the New Testament, and if there's one thing that it says more than anything else it is that we can't merit salvation by any work we attempt on our own behalf. That the only thing that saves us is the finished work of Christ on the cross. And that to try to "add on" to that work - as Robertson and his cult insist - is to not have salvation at all!

So Mr. Robertson, God doesn't want us to come just as we are?

Well, Jesus Himself repudiates that notion in the parable of the wedding guest, as is recorded in Matthew 22, verses 2 through 14 (from the New International Version):

"The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son. He sent his servants to those who had been invited to the banquet to tell them to come, but they refused to come.

"Then he sent some more servants and said, 'Tell those who have been invited that I have prepared my dinner: My oxen and fattened cattle have been butchered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding banquet.'

"But they paid no attention and went off—one to his field, another to his business. The rest seized his servants, mistreated them and killed them. The king was enraged. He sent his army and destroyed those murderers and burned their city.

"Then he said to his servants, 'The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.' So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, both good and bad, and the wedding hall was filled with guests.

"But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. 'Friend,' he asked, 'how did you get in here without wedding clothes?' The man was speechless.

"Then the king told the attendants, 'Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

"For many are invited, but few are chosen."

A somewhat bizarre tale rife with hyperbole... but typical of Jesus and nobody before or since has ever mastered such metanoia-inducing metaphor.

Most of the parable is easy enough to understand. Then we get to the king's second invitation: he dispatches his servants to invite everybody that they can find, "both good and bad", to come and enjoy the wedding banquet.

How much more clearer than this must it be: that God does accept us wherever we are or however we are?

But then we arrive at the part about the guest who was "not wearing wedding clothes" and the king assails him for his lack of proper garment. And were Johnny Robertson or some of his followers to feign earnest discussion of this passage, they would no doubt interpret that it means we must be rightly "clothed" of our own accord in order to approach God. And they would not possibly be more spectacularly wrong in such insistence!

Because it was the custom in those days, in that part of the world, that the wealthy would not only provide food at a wedding banquet but also special clothes - usually some kind of robe - to each of his guests to wear for the occasion. Such attire masked social status or personal standing. At the banquet for the king's son, all were equal regardless of earthly position.

And then there is that one "guest" who just had to be different. We aren't told if beyond the palace walls he were rich or poor. I tend to believe that he was of considerable wealth and affluence. Why do I think that? Because a poorer person in those days would no doubt be thrilled to receive some new clothes for free and from the king... just for attending a banquet!

But not this one guy. He came alright. But he thought that he was too good than to accept the king's favor. That was for people who were "beneath" him. He trusted in his own righteousness to justify his presence at the banquet. This "guest" thought that he could get away with his own works and reject the complete and unconditional grace of the king. All he had to do was accept it "just as" he was.

No wonder the king became so furious! He had provided a sumptuous feast and wonderful new clothes for every guest, so that his son's wedding would be celebrated. This alleged "guest" tried to steal the spotlight by showing himself off.

Now, who does that sound like?

No doubt that many of you are expecting me to automatically ascribe Johnny Robertson as being like this miscreant wedding guest. But honestly, this could be anyone. And each of us would be cast out from the sight of the King for trusting in our own efforts more than trusting in His grace and provenance. It just happens that for sake of this discussion, Johnny Robertson and his followers clothe themselves with the name "Church of Christ" and boast that this alone will get them into Heaven to the exclusion of all others.

To the credit of the guest in the parable, at least he apparently didn't try to throw anyone else out of the party because he might have sneered at them.

Johnny Robertson can't even claim that much for himself.

Read More