April Fools 'Fess-Up Time, 2010 Edition!

All good things must come to an end. Which as more than one person has noted, means that my jokes are cursed to live forever! :-P

You know what I like most about April Fools Day? It's that my birthday is March 31st. So for me it's like a two-day long extravaganza of hilarity and thanks to this blog, I get to share that good-natured nuttiness with a wide audience!

Okay well anyhoo, obviously this year's April Fools Day on The Knight Shift was nothing like last year's infamous "Johnny Robertson arrested at the Vatican" stunt that saw this blog slammed with visits from such places as the U.S. State Department and Vatican City itself. This time, I wanted to do something a bit quieter, but no less funny. And as things turned out I wound up running three prank stories on this blog.

Let's count 'em off...

1. "Governor Bev Perdue considers a tax on all things NASCAR-related for the state of North Carolina": This one generated a surprising amount of traffic for the blog. More than I was expecting in contrast to the other two. Obviously not true, but also something that I could kinda see happening in a state that has gone crazy on taxation.

2. "George Lucas is remaking Porky's": Until this past weekend I had never seen Porky's but having grown up during the Eighties, of course I'd heard about it. It came on one of the Starz channels on Saturday night and when I saw that it was set during the 1950s, something just "clicked". The big clue that this was a fake-arooni was the part about Porky's being "based on the bestselling novel by Richard Hooker". There was never an original Porky's novel and Richard Hooker may or may not have written it if there was one... but Richard Hooker did write the novel MASH, which became the basis of the movie of the same name. This April Fools prank apparently did shock and surprise a fair amount of people :-)

3. "Rock Band: 'Weird Al' Yankovic": AHHHHH the piece de resistance! I literally had the idea for this one during last year's April Fools Day, and kept it quietly to myself and a few trusted confederates since then. The "Cowcatcher Calamity Festival" bit, I've no idea where that one came from but it sounded plenty Weird Al-ish. Lots of folks again thought this was the real deal (and just as many want this to be a real game, hint-hint Harmonix ;-) Incidentally, my friend and filmmaking collaborator "Weird" Ed Woody took it upon himself to make this awesome faux-Xbox 360 game cover for Rock Band: "Weird Al" Yankovic, loaded with easter eggs for sharp-eyed Al fans!

And for the sake of good-humored confusion, I did utilize some links to real-life news outlets. Obviously GeekTyrant didn't really break a story about George Lucas rebooting Porky's, but they're such a terrific site that I wanted to give 'em a shout-out via this lil' gag. They've become one of my favorite sites and after you visit a few times GeekTyrant no doubt will become one for you too.

And that's it for April Fools 2010. But be warned: April Fools 2011 is already in the planning stages, muhahahahahaha....

Read More

George Lucas to remake PORKY’S

I remember a few years ago when Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith came out, and one of many interviewers asked George Lucas "Will you make any more Star Wars movies?" And the Flanneled One said "no". He remarked that he wanted to make "smaller, more personal, more intimate films" for a bit, as opposed to big-budget blockbusters. You know: "art-house movies".

Well, we've known for quite awhile that after he was done with Star Wars movies that Lucas wanted to proceed on Red Tails, his long, long, LONG-awaited film about black aviators during World War II. But what would Lucas possibly want to do after Red Tails is in the can?

As of yesterday evening, now we know. GeekTyrant was the first to break the news that George Lucas will – of all the things that he could afford to spend his time and effort on – produce and direct a remake of 1981's hit teen lust comedy film Porky's!

The original Porky's, based on the bestselling novel by Richard Hooker, was directed by Bob Clark (who later went on to make A Christmas Story). It was about a group of high school guys in Florida during the 1950s who seek revenge on the owner of a brothel after he does them wrong.

Okay, I can kinda see Porky's being remade, since nowadays everything from Police Academy to A Nightmare on Elm Street is getting remade or rebooted. But why in the world is GEORGE LUCAS doing this? GeekTyrant's source at LucasFilm reports that "Lucas wants to go back to his American Grafitti roots and show the dark side of the Fifties. And he wants to take another stab at making a comedy. Porky's became one of the most successful film franchises of the Eighties and Lucas saw that the time was ripe to not only bring it into the modern era but also apply new cinematic technology."

Ummmm... all right, I guess. But if Uncle George has any notion about making Porky's in IMAX or (heaven forbid) 3-D, I'm going to avoid this thing like a mange-ridden Ewok.

Ahhhhh... who am I kidding? You and me and everyone else will see anything that George Lucas puts on the big screen :-P

Read More

ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC coming October 27th!

We already knew that ROCK BAND 3 is scheduled to retail later this year... but I am already drooling about this one even more: Rock Band: "Weird Al" Yankovic has just been announced by Harmonix and MTV Games! It'll publish on October 27th, just over seven months from now.

Here's the press release that IGN Games posted a short while ago...

ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC WILL BRING PRINCE OF PARODY TO POPULAR PARTY GAME

Harmonix and MTV Games is proud to announce ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC is in production for a release date of October 27th, 2010.

The latest in the popular Rock Band series of music and rhythm video games, ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC is a homage to the unique character and career of "Weird Al" Yankovic: the best-selling comedy musical artist in history.

Much like last year's critically acclaimed and commercially successful ROCK BAND: THE BEATLES, ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC will take the player on an interactive journey across Yankovic's phenomenal career which has spanned four decades and counting. The game begins with a seventeen-year old Alfred Yankovic recording original songs on a cassette player in his bedroom at the home of his parents in Lynwood, California to submit to Dr. Demento's radio show. Other stages of the game will take place in fully-rendered reproductions of the men's restroom across the hallway from the radio station at California Polytechnic State University, a Japanese variety show, and Al's now-infamous 1987 performance at the Cowcatcher Calamity Festival of Lizzard Lick, Nebraska.

ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC will also include sections inspired by Weird Al's famous music videos, beginning with "Eat It" from his 1984 album "Weird Al" Yankovic: In 3-D. Reaching 1988 will give players the opportunity to perform in Weird Al's custom-tailored "Fat" costume within a reproduced virtual set of Michael Jackson's "Bad" video. There will also be playable songs with videos that have never been produced before. "'Albuquerque' will challenge the players' sanity like no song in ROCK BAND history," Weird Al confidently predicted, speaking of the nine-minute long song from his 1999 album Running With Scissors.

In addition to on-screen versions of Yankovic himself, ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC will feature the likenesses and actual voices of Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz, Jay Levey, Jim West, Rubén Valtierra, Dr. Demento, Jay Levey, Victoria Jackson, Harvey the Wonder Hamster and several other legendary personalities from the Weird Al mythos.

As players work their way throughout Weird Al's career, they will be able to customize Al and his band with a variety of costume choices such as Hawaiian shirts and hundreds of pairs of Vans shoes. Among the game's many surprises, unlocking the "Jedi Knight" costume will enable players to perform the Yoda Chant at the end of the final concert.

In unprecedented collaboration with an original artist, Harmonix is working alongside Weird Al to create a special accordion peripheral for ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC. Players will have to coordinate finger movements along with using the accordion controller's pneumatic system in order to produce the proper music. The game can also be played without the accordion controller.

ROCK BAND: "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC will be available as a single game, as a game with accordion controller, and as a special "Al and the Band" bundle with game, accordion controller and the standard ROCK BAND instruments. Pricing is not available at this time but is expected to be comparable to other ROCK BAND products.

I will gladly pay good money, sell my spleen, betray my Scoutmaster, do ANYTHING to get my hands on this game when it comes out. Heck, I might have to camp out a week in advance for it, just to show my devotion and lust for this! October 27th can NOT get here fast enough!!!

Read More

“The NASCAR Tax”?! Don’t go there Governor Perdue!

What. The. #&@$ ?!?!?

Just saw on the website for the Raleigh News & Observer that Governor Bev Perdue is talking with members of the General Assembly about levying a tax on all NASCAR-related sales within the state of North Carolina.

I say again: What. The. #&@$ ?!?!?

According to the article, if enacted into law the tickets for NASCAR stock car races will have a 10% tax imposed upon them. And it's not just that, friends and neighbors: the NASCAR merchandise is going to be hit extra-hard too! Want a scale-model replica of "King" Richard Petty's famous Number 43 car, or a calendar highlighting Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s career? Well in addition to the regular sales tax it's gonna have 5% extra added to the final price as well.

I can guess why Governor Perdue might be trying to do this. North Carolina is already the most-taxed state in the southeastern United States! Heck we're taxed to DEATH here! We're taxed so much that there's nothing... and I mean NOTHING... legitimate left to tax. So Perdue is going to go for the jugular.

I put her chances of getting elected for another term to be about as much as those of most of the Congress-critters who voted for Obamacare. If this is true, this is about the DUMBEST move in political history.

Anyone else wanna burn up the switchboard at the State Capitol?!?

Read More

Jaime Escalante has passed away

The sad news is coming out of California today that Jaime Escalante has died at the age of 79, following a battle with cancer.

Escalante, originally from La Paz, Bolivia, was a teacher of math and physics in his own country for many years before coming to the United States. When he got here he could speak no English, began taking night classes to earn degrees in biology and calculus, and eventually received credentials to begin teaching in California.

And that's where Jaime Escalante's life really began to get interesting. After accepting a position at Garfield High School in East Los Angeles, Escalante - appalled at how the school taught very little in the way of higher mathematics - took it upon himself to challenge the students at Garfield to take an advanced placement calculus course. Eventually the students proceeded to blow away darn nearly everybody's expectations of them and with each successive year Garfield High began consistently outpacing most other schools in the state of California. In 1988 Jaime Escalante's story was made into the hit movie Stand and Deliver, with Edward James Olmos playing Escalante.

This dude was everything that the art of teaching is supposed to be about. As some have noted, Escalante took gang members and turned them into aerospace engineers.

Farewell Mr. Escalante. And thank you for sharing your ganas with us.

Read More

Another random rumination on religion

For something based on the assumption that all people are imperfect, it's curious that religion makes too many people willing to cause suffering based on the assumption that they are perfectly right about it.

Read More

Two INDEPENDENCE DAY sequels?! Awwww hell nawwww!!!

IESB.net is reporting that Twentieth Century Fox is about to commit to two sequels to Independence Day: its 1996 mega-blockbuster about aliens arriving on Earth to wipe out humanity on the Fourth of July. Will Smith is already set to return as Steven Hiller, the hotshot pilot he played in the original.

Do we really need this? For its tenth anniversary in 2006 I posted an extensive write-up about Independence Day. As much as I still love the movie, too much time has gone by since the original. It remains a product of its era and to make sequels to it would make a mockery of that. Well, I think so anyway.

I do think that Independence Day could be rebooted (since that's the route every other movie franchise seems to be going these days). I mean, think about it: who in America wouldn't want to see the White House and Congress blown up once more?

I saw Independence Day seven time in the theaters that summer. Having alien invaders make a smoldering crater out of Washington D.C. all over again would have me coming back at least TWICE as many times just to see that!

Read More

"The Package": Post-episode reaction to this week's LOST

First things first: Whoever it was at ABC that thought it would be a "brilliant" idea to put that blood-red V countdown bug in the lower right-hand corner of the screen needs to be dragged out into the street and shot. I've never seen such a nuisance more distracting from what should have been a completely enjoyable experience of watching an episode of Lost.

(It was enough to make me not want to stick around long enough to watch V tonight, if that says anything.)

But as for "The Package" itself...

EXCELLENT episode! Maybe even as good as last week's that gave us Richard's backstory. And so far as the Sun/Jin-centric installments are - which have become some of my favorite - "The Package" may have been one of the best. Good thing too, since this is probably the last Lost episode ever that will focus on our Korean lovebirds.

I'm starting to wonder if the "flashsideways"-es have something to do with what Hurley told Richard last week: that if the Man in Black isn't stopped then "we all go to hell". Last month I posted my theory that the Man in Black could be trying to escape not just into the world but in another world (like Mephisto in the Earth X Marvel Comics trilogy). Perhaps the flashsidewaysies are showing us the universe where the Man in Black is running rampant. How this is going to figure into a storyline with only seven episodes left to wrap up its mythology, I haven't a clue... but the Lost showrunners had better get hopping. After the past three or four episodes though, I'm still confident that they'll deliver.

There were two people that I thought over the past couple of weeks would be behind the door on the submarine. And who we saw being taken off of it was one of them. I wonder if we'll see the other one. Which also reminds me that it was nice to see Room 23 again... and that does make me think that we shall see that other character again soon.

A very, very solid episode. I'll give it a 10 out of 10.

Read More

To the person presently fixated on searching this blog

Behave yourself or everybody finds out who you are having an affair with.

Read More

An open letter to WFMY Channel 2

Dear management and staff of WFMY:

I am a life-long viewer of WFMY. Yours is the station that I have most associated with well-produced television. Growing up our own television was always tuned to one of two channels: the local PBS affiliate for Sesame Street and Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, and Channel 2. Until the time I was 8 years old I didn't even know that there were other stations that did news, weather and sports. I will always fondly remember Lee Kindard's hosting of The Good Morning Show, Sandra Hughes is one of the all-time most classiest ladies in the history of anything (Lord willing I will finally get a chance to meet her someday) and whenever the weather has taken a turn for the worst or (even better) threatened snow that would cancel the schools, WFMY was there. I still remember people like Arlo Lassen (whatever happened to him anyway?) and whenever I see one of your many talented photojournalists out and about the urge comes over me even to this day to do that "number one" salute with the finger that y'all used to run at the end of each program.

I hope all of this makes it clear just how devoted I am to your station.

So perhaps you'll understand the sentiment when I say that tonight, somewhere in this great wide universe that God created, Charlie Harville is doing a huge facepalm in disbelief.

Why? Because you guys have desecrated the closest thing that the great state of North Carolina has to a High Holy Days.

I'm talking about what happened yesterday afternoon and evening with the severe weather that rolled through the Triad and surrounding area. Yes, there was a lot of damage and destruction. It couldn't be helped. And maybe y'all did what you thought was best to stem the devastation.

But that doesn't change the fact that you broke in before the second half of the Duke and Baylor game of the NCAA Basketball Tournament and showed nothing but weather for the next several hours!

And in North Carolina, that is just about an unforgivable offense. If this had been the finals of the BASS Masters, or the World Series, or even the Super Bowl, this would have been different. But instead you chose to commit a basketball broadcasting blasphemy. HERE of all places! In a state whose motto should be "Play Basketball or Die!"

All the other stations in this area were doing severe weather alerts. The broadcasting footprints of any two of them covers the same area as your market. They had the latest weather updates... but only WFMY had college basketball and even better, Duke college basketball (they are going to the Final Four incidentally, having beaten Baylor 78 to 71... and I had to go to ESPN to find that out).

I'm not going to ask if this would have happened had it been UNC Chapel Hill playing to get into the Final Four. That would just open up another can of worms. Instead I shall leave that particular question as an exercise for the reader.

Look: I think that Eric Chilton, Leigh Brock, Ed Matthews and Grant Gilmore are doing a super excellent job so far as local weather goes. WFMY has always had, and to this day still has, one of the finest meteorological departments of any television station not just in this country, but the world. I have nothing but the utmost respect for your meteorological staff's skill, enthusiasm and terrific on-scream demeanor. And I will still gladly tune in to WFMY for much of my weather forecasting needs.

But this weekend, y'all messed up bigtime.

I'm not asking for y'all to apologize. Just please, bear it in mind next time something like this happens. Even amid something like this, there are lots of people who don't want to be confronted with all of the local stations broadcasting about it, but would rather have an avenue like college basketball in which to escape from their momentary fear. And I am very much sincere about this. There comes a point in any crisis situation when there is too much information and a person needs to be able to take a step back from it. That is what WFMY News 2 could have provided yesterday evening, that literally no other station in this market could have provided at that time.

Just think about what I've said, and consider these thoughts the next time an event like this happens.

Still a faithful viewer,

Chris Knight
Reidville

EDIT 3:30 a.m. EST: WFMY News 2 has addressed its broadcasting decisions yesterday afternoon on its digtriad.com website, citing "hundreds of phone calls and emails from viewers asking why we stayed on the air for so long during the basketball game and prime time programming".

Here's the statement...

The reason is that it is our obligation to keep our viewers, safe during a dangerous situation. When there is a tornado warning, it means there is rotation in a thunderstorm which could reach the ground as a tornado. In this case, the warnings lead to three possible tornadoes and significant damage through our viewing area.

The Federal Communications Commission requires broadcast stations to deliver immediate emergency information during the duration of a warning. Once a warning is lifted, we will return you to regular program or full screen games as the case might be.

Replays of the primetime programs will be available online on Monday. They are usually updated within 24 hours of the initial broadcast of the show. You can find those shows including The Amazing Race and Undercover Boss on the CBS Video Player.

I don't mind saying this: WFMY's statement about this doesn't hold any water.

Maybe once upon a time that dog could hunt. But fercryin' out loud: WFMY has three digital channels now, not just one analog signal! If they sincerely believe they've a legal obligation to broadcast breaking weather information, fine... but WHY COULDN'T THEY SIMPLY SHUNT THE NCAA BASKETBALL BROADCAST TO DIGITAL CHANNEL 2-3?!? I mean, they have 2-3 set up, but they aren't using it for anything. Digital channel 2-2 is dedicated to 24 hour continuous weather, and I have to praise WFMY for that 'cuz it really is a convenience to more people than the station realizes.

But to not be prepared for a contingency like this? By not having a choice of options available to its viewers when WFMY not only can do so but already should have done so?

I don't know what's worse now: that WFMY didn't broadcast the Duke/Baylor game, or that it seems to have lacked the creativity that digital broadcasting technology not only allows but in fact demands.

Read More

"For all of the loved ones gone."

Ten years ago today, our family lost the nucleus around which we revolved our lives. That was the day that Elsie Roberts, my beloved grandmother - and who was called "Granny" by everyone who knew her - was taken Home.

(Here's the memorial write-up that I did a few years ago on the occasion of what would have been Granny's 100th birthday.)

That was the beginning of a very long and dark period of my life (which might have been pretty dark to begin with). And for quite some time after that I was horribly depressed... and especially about thoughts of death and dying. Granny's passing would be the first of many people that I loved and cared about that passed away within a short period of time.

There isn't a day that's gone by since that afternoon ten years ago, that I haven't thought of Granny. But now at last I can let go, and continue living. Because I know now that the life that we see isn't all that there is. I realize more than ever before that God doesn't create something without purpose or meaning. Especially the good things... and Granny was one of the most good people that I have ever known.

Ten years later... and I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't know from hard-earned experience... but I am at last comforted by the knowledge that God is good and graceful, and that His is the peace that surpasses all understanding. The thought of dying doesn't bother me anymore, because I have accepted that death is not entirely a bad thing. Yes, it is a dire consequence of living in this fallen world. But it is also very much a part of life. Death is an inevitable component of growth, and I'm not talking physically either. I like to think that it's how God gives us an escape from this world after we have at long last exhausted everything else that we could possibly do to learn and grow and experience here.

So on this day, on the tenth anniversary of one of the worst days of my life, I cannot be filled with grief and sadness. Instead I thank God that He gave us Granny. Just as I thank Him that I will see her again in the fullness of time... along with everyone else that I have cared for.

About a year and a half ago this song was used in the commercial for Gears of War 2. I'd never heard it until then, and this past fall I finally looked it up. And when I first listened, really listened to it, I found myself swept up in a lot of emotion about my own grandmother and the blessed hope that she isn't so far away after all. That "forever's not so long".

This is one of the most profoundly moving and beautiful songs that I've heard in recent memory. It really sums up what I've gone through in thinking of Granny and all of the others that have been taken from us. It's given me some comfort, and maybe by sharing it here it can be a comfort to others who are going through similar.

So here is "How It Ends" by DeVotchKa...

Read More

Pennsylvania man, publicly drunk, attempts to revive dead possum

A fella named Donald Wolfe has been arrested in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on a public drunkenness charge. Police found him along a highway 65 miles east of Pittsburgh.

The biggest clue that something was terribly amiss was that Wolfe was attempting to restore to life a roadkilled possum, which reportedly had been "dead for quite awhile", with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I'd love to know what the heck this guy had been drinking...

Read More

One of the best-ever arguments against socialism

Last night while going through some older material on my hard drive, I found this Beetle Bailey cartoon from a few years ago. In it Mort Walker - through his character Plato - articulates one of the finest arguments about why socialism is not only a bad thing, but against human nature. And in light of what has transpired here in the United States during the past several days, I thought it would be quiet appropriate to post here...

Kinda sad really: when people like cartoonists show far more enlightenment and wisdom than those we elect to be entrusted with our government.

Read More

Oh crap, I missed Earth Hour!

While every other conscientious person on the planet was turning their lights out between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m. local time, I was burning through Lord only knows how many BTUs of propane in a gas-powered forge turned up full blast, and then employing some industrial-strength metalworking equipment that uses up lots of electricity in Dad's knifemaking shop.

Because of me, Earth is teetering that much closer to doom! What ever shall I do for penance?

Read More

Heh-heh...

Bet some (or maybe most) of y'all thought that I got "disappeared" into the hinterlands after that last post, aye?

Just busy on this end with work for clients, work on my new film project (especially location scouting), some conflict in realms apart from the temporal... y'know, the usual.

All that, and still feeling quite honked-off at the developments of this past week. Grrrrrr.

Read More

Don't want Obamacare? Convert to Islam or become Amish

I'm thinkin' that everyone now has a perfectly valid and legal reason to tell President Barack Obama to take his crummy "health care reform" and shove it up his ass.

(Oh yeah, that's right: not even Obama and his cronies want Obamacare. They're exempt from it.)

But within the legislation - which the House just re-approved a short while ago - are provisions for conscientious objection to Obamacare because of religion. The legal language seems tailor-made for the Amish (who use the communal resources of their churches to provide for medical care) and for Muslims, for whom insurance is religious taboo.

Since I'm neither Muslim, or a member of any Christian denomination (I still prefer to call myself a follower of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ), I guess that means that I'm screwed, right? Well, who is anyone in this steaming pile of bullshit (that's the very first time that I've used THAT word in any piece of writing, dear readers!) that is our government to tell me or anybody that my or your religion is invalid or "wrong"?

I now declare myself the Reverend Christopher Knight of the Second Church of What's Happening Now. And Obamacare is against the tenets of my creed, so I must be exempt. And I will be exempt, dammit!

And if you too want to stand up to that cocky bastitch in the White House and that deranged *itch of a House Speaker, feel free to do likewise.

Read More

Wanna know the title of the final episode of LOST?

According to showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, the final episode of Lost, set to air two months from now, is...

"The End"

They chose this as the title because they want to make it stark clear that there will be no spinoff series, no movie, no anything. There's supposed to be an official Lost encyclopedia book coming out at some point but so far as the story of Lost goes, this will indeed be THE end.

I like it :-)

Read More