So help me, my eyes are tearing up with laughter after reading that headline, even though this really is a horrible story…

Travis, a 200 pound, 15-year old chimpanzee who had appeared in TV commercials and “was toilet trained, dressed himself, took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a glass”, went berzerk last night in a Stamford, Connecticut neighborhood after breaking loose from his owners’ custody, and then severely mauled Charla Nash with “life-changing, if not life-threatening injuries” to her face and hands. Travis’ owner Sandra Herold had to beat the ape off her friend with a butcher knife and a shovel.

Travis had earlier been given tea laced with the anti-depressant Xanax. He proceeded to terrorize the streets before being shot dead by Stamford cops, after Travis opened the door of a police cruiser and attempted to enter the vehicle. According to one report...