mom

Chris Knight's avatar

The realization hit me this morning that today is the twelfth anniversary of Mom’s passing.
 
I’ve written about her before, here.  Maybe too much.   Sometimes all the hurt and anguish builds up and demands, even needs a
vent.  Some people do that with art.  Or going out for a drive.  I
learned a long time ago that I can’t paint and I’m a threat to everyone
on the road if I’m not in the right state of mind for driving.

 
I guess, I’m writing this to note how much my attitude toward Mom has changed in the past year or so.
 
There is no forgetting the things she did.  I can still hear her screaming “You’re retarded!” at me.  The beatings.  The humiliations, often in front of friends (mine or hers).  Her telling me I wouldn’t count for anything, and how much I believed her and
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Chris Knight's avatar

The other week I shared on here that I had put my beloved Yoda puppet signed by “Weird Al” Yankovic up for auction on eBay.  It was something I had never, ever thought I would find myself doing.  I had outright declared that it would never happen.  When I asked Weird Al to sign this, it was always with the intention that it would be just for me, a real treasured prize for both my Star Wars and Yankovic collections.

 
But real-life circumstances had forced me to make some difficult decisions.  It was compelling me to betray myself and go back on what I had promised to never do.
 
Since posting about that, there have been a number of developments.  Some things transpired and, well… let’s just say that for once, I have been seeing the hand of God at work and I am not doubting Him,
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Chris Knight's avatar

Today was a milestone, of sorts, in my life. It was eleven weeks ago today that we had Mom’s funeral.

The grave marker was put in place today.

And now, for the first time in my life, I know what it is to gaze upon the tombstone of a parent…

The plastic covering is to protect the cement until it fully cures. It’s not visible in the photo, but the base of the marker has the names of my sister and I, noting that we are Ruby and Robert’s children. In the background you can also see the tombstone belonging to my grandmother and grandfather.

I still haven’t broken down and cried like I had expected to long before now. Was it because I was there for her at the end, as she slipped away from us? Did that make it easier to accept her passing?

Or could it be ...

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The array of flowers that were placed atop Mom’s casket. The two pink ones are meant to represent her two children…

The teddy bear that my sister Anita placed inside Mom’s casket on the morning of the funeral. I enclosed a letter: the last piece of writing that I ever did for my mother.

The casket at the graveside, immediately following the service…

The final resting place of Mom’s earthly body, after the grave had been filled…

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Chris Knight's avatar

Three days ago we laid Mom’s body to rest. I keep saying “Mom’s body” because that wasn’t Mom at all, not really. Everything that made Ruby Knight the wonderful, amazing and deeply beautiful woman that she was, God brought into His presence last Wednesday morning and out of that room at the hospice. All that we did two days later was to commit her earthly remains to the cemetery. It was as far as we are able to go in this world.

I am still recovering from it, although I’m sincerely shocked at how well I’ve been able to maintain myself through it all. Have there been tears? Absolutely. But… my girlfriend keeps telling me that I’m stronger than I was a year or so ago, when this would have completely devastated me. Probably to the point of needing severe medication. But this past week has seen me the furthest ...

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Chris Knight's avatar

At 8:26 a.m. this morning, my mother, Ruby Roberts Knight, went Home.

Thank you to everyone who has been keeping our family in thoughts and prayers.

I’m going to be away for awhile. Will try to return to this blog sometime soon.

EDIT 1:21 a.m. 12/29/2011: This has been the longest day that I can remember, from Tuesday evening on through the phone call early yesterday morning asking me to return to the hospice and then, less than an hour and a half later, Mom’s passing. Between then and now have been our family making arrangements at the funeral home, a stream of visitors to our home, and many many phone calls and text messages (my sister Anita swears that her iPhone is going to explode from all the traffic!).

Some will no doubt be wondering how I’m doing in light of my disclosure on this blog that I have ...

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